Friday, November 10, 2006

An Open Letter to Dave Eggers

An Open Letter (More Like Bullet Points, Really) to Dave Eggers Containing a Handful of Thoughtful Suggestions on How to Reinvent McSweeney's Internet Tendency, and in so doing, Lift it Out of the Rut of Irrelevance and Return it to its Rightful Place at the Bleeding Edge of Literature Just Like During the Glory Days (May 6, 2001 – May 8, 2001), or in the Alternative, to at Least Make it Commercially Viable, Presented in No Particular Order:

Drop the top ten lists, and move on to something original.  For example, consider combining Reviews of New Food and Lists into a new hybrid of the two, “Ingredients Written on Packages of Consumables, Recited Verbatim.”

Have your publicist find some design professionals.  Like graphic artists.  The human eye is capable of not only distinguishing between text and images, but possesses the ability to perceive color as well.  Black and white text is simply too verbose.  Monochromaticism is all well and good for mimeographed grade school newsletters and permission slips, but for the love of god, even the cave walls at Lascaux were painted with more than one color.  Maybe start small, and pick up a copy of USA Today, and go through it a few times to get a better feel for what makes it so great.

Speaking of USA Today, have more fake news.  Educated people love fake news, can’t get enough of it.  It doesn’t all even have to be made up, just crib some real news and mix it in with the occasional fictional piece.  Hell, most real news looks fake anyway (see also, CNN.com or The Onion? and CNN.com or The Onion Redux), and everybody knows that English speaking people are, for the most part, herd animals who gave up thinking for themselves years ago.

Use the words “irony” and “ironic” more often, regardless of applicability.  “Edgy,” too.

More violence and horror and sex and fart jokes and courtrooms.  Better still, more of all five at once.

More ads.  People often judge the quality of a site’s contents by the number and size of its advertisements, and rightly so.  Would Microsoft, or Wal-Mart, or General Motors run ads on a site that sucks?  I think not.

Less “suck.”

Your humble and obedient servant,
B. Freret

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

WOW!
This is the funniest sh... I ever witness.

Anonymous said...

WOW!
This is the funniest sh... I ever witness.