Monday, November 26, 2007

"I was a happy sponge"


"I was a happy sponge, content to behave in the sea. Then a diver ripped me from my bliss. I was impaled on the end of a stick and for six horrid months a Roman solder named Tarasicodissa used me to clean his ass. Years after my escape I continued to wake up to my own screams. Until I returned to land just long enough to kill him.

What a glorious April that was!"


***

I don't know what to make of this, so I'm posting it here for your consideration. I keep probing for the hidden profound meaning of this parable, but so far the moral has managed to elude me.

Beautiful work, regardless, simply beautiful. Thank you for forwarding it to me!

I remain your humble servant,
B. Freret

Recently Rejected Patriotic-Themed T-Shirt Slogans


This was passed to me recently by a nice enough fellow.  I hated to hear that his hard work had not panned out for him (obviously much time and effort went into these), and I don't see why at least some of these designs were not considered for purchase.

***

Patriotic T-Shirt Slogans Recently Rejected for Submission to a Major Discount Retailer as Being “Inappropriate” for the Intended Audience of Lower to Middle Class 35 to 50 Year Old Women

All-American MILF

True Patriot: I Blew Our Founding Fathers

Proud to Service Our Men In the Service

100% American (by which I mean a mix of multiple European ancestors, with some African and Asian thrown in here and there - not native American. If I'd meant "native American" I'd have said "100% Indian," because that is what we call them, even though they aren't from India.)

Franklin Was Right: Older Chicks Make Better Lovers

Do you see fireworks too, or am I just having hot flashes?

Contents of This Shirt Made and Assembled in USA

Contents of This Shirt Assembled in USA from Foreign Parts

Just Because I Brazilian Wax Doesn't Make Me Any Less (North) American

Sure, the implants were made in China, but by-god the OUTSIDE of this rack was made in the U.S. of A.!!!

Proud of My Genetically Homogeneous Heritage

Just Another All American Girl Next Door Who F***s Like a Porn Star

***

Respectfully Submitted,
B. Freret

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Average Joe: Not Ratchet, but Kickin' Nonetheless


Average Joe's first CD, some thirty years or so in the making, is finally available at CDBaby. Like the title says, it isn't ratchet, but it is kickin'. Buy one for yourself, and several more to give as holiday presents.

Avoid the Holiday Suck: spin this and Crankdaddy's Athems and you'll be just fine.

Your obedient servant,
B. Freret

Thursday, October 18, 2007

I don't hate Microsoft. But...

... I appreciate why some people do.

If you own an Xbox 360, try this at home:

1. Sign into your Windows Live! Account.

2. Go to service.xbox.com.  You should see something like this:
Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.us

3. Click “Register a New Device” and enter your serial number.  If you’re me, you’ll see something like this:
Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.us

4. Repeat step #3 four or five thousand times, confirming each time that yes, you correctly entered the serial number every time.

5. Call 1-800-4MY-XBOX.  Five times.  Have the same conversation with five different people.

CUSTOMER: “I can’t add my device to my registered devices at service.xbox.com.”
1-800-4MY-XBOX: “What is the serial number of the device?”
CUSTOMER: “############.”
1-800-4MY-XBOX: “That device is already registered to you.”
CUSTOMER: “Not at service.xbox.com it isn’t.”
1-800-4MY-XBOX: “Well, what is it that you wanted to know about the device?”
CUSTOMER: “Why I can’t register it at service.xbox.com.”
1-800-4MY-XBOX: “I can’t help you with that.”
CUSTOMER: “Sort of twisted that the error page tells me to call you, don't you think?”

6. Find KB article 931129, which appears to address the issue and advises the customer to “Click Associate a device you registered on the phone with your Windows Live ID.”

7. Look at the photos in steps 2 and 3 above.  Locate the “Associate a device you registered on the phone with your Windows Live ID” option.  [SPOILER ALERT!  It does not exist.  There is no "Associate a device you registered on the phone with your Windows Live ID" option.]

Your obedient servant,
B. Freret 

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Talking With Xbox Customer Service

[About ten minutes into the call.]

***

1-800-4MY-XBOX: “Are you using any fans?”

CUSTOMER: “Yes.”

1-800-4MY-XBOX: “You are?”

CUSTOMER: “Yes.”

1-800-4MY-XBOX: “There aren’t any Microsoft® approved Xbox 360 cooling…”

CUSTOMER: “Really?”

1-800-4MY-XBOX: “… devices, so using one…”

CUSTOMER: “Because that’s kind of funny…”

1-800-4MY-XBOX: “… would void your warranty.”

CUSTOMER: “… considering that the only reason that I called you is because the design defect that results in component(s) overheating and failing – you know that one? – has caused my Xbox 360 to stop working.”

1-800-4MY-XBOX: “I’m just letting you know for future reference that using non-Microsoft® approved accessories can void your warranty, that’s all.  I’m still sending you the service box…”

CUSTOMER: “That’s a USB port on the back of my ‘360, isn’t it?”

1-800-4MY-XBOX: “Well, yes...”

CUSTOMER: “Does it comply with the USB spec?”

1-800-4MY-XBOX: “… I don’t…”

CUSTOMER: “Let’s assume that it does.  So since my fan stand relied only on the ‘360’s USB port for power, presumably to spec, then it wouldn’t make any sense to suggest that using a USB device with a USB port could or would void the warranty, I mean, we’re talking about using things for their intended purposes.”

1-800-4MY-XBOX: “But…”

CUSTOMER: “So other than drawing USB-spec power from a USB-spec port, the only thing my fan stand did was to act as a plastic base for the ‘360 while blowing air at it.  Can you tell me if some types of plastic are Microsoft® approved?”

1-800-4MY-XBOX: “Uh…”

CUSTOMER: “How about air, any Microsoft® approved air?”

1-800-4MY-XBOX: “Of course not…”

CUSTOMER: “Gravity?”

1-800-4MY-XBOX: “Excuse me?”

CUSTOMER: “Are some types of gravity more Microsoft® approved than others?  My Xbox 360 just sits on top of this non-Microsoft® approved device.  At sea level.  Just one ‘G,’ so far as I know.  I mean, I don’t suspect any fluctuations in gravity in or around my home.  Well, not other than the usual quantum stuff, but that is to be expected regardless of whether I use the fan stand or not, so THAT couldn’t really void my warranty.  And nothing sits on top of my Xbox 360, so no downward pressure…”

1-800-4MY-XBOX: “Sir, I just have to ask certain questions, and if the answer includes that you’re using an external fan, I have to tell you that doing so can void your warranty.  That’s all.  We’re still going to repair your Xbox.”

CUSTOMER: “I’m sorry, guy.  I know you’re just doing your job.  I've worked for dumbasses who wanted me to say stupid things, too.  So I know what that is like.”

1-800-4MY-XBOX: “Well, I never said…”

CUSTOMER: “You do know it is a stupid thing to tell people, don’t you?”

1-800-4MY-XBOX: “No, I just…”

CUSTOMER: “It’s okay, you can say it out loud.  I won’t tell.  You can say that ‘warning people that using a USB powered fan to try and delay the inevitable failure of their defective Xbox 360s could void their warranty' is just plain stupid.  Come on, you can do it.  Say it.  Say it!”

1-800-4MY-XBOX: “I can’t do that, sir.”

CUSTOMER: “They’re listening aren’t they?”

1-800-4MY-XBOX: [SILENCE.]

CUSTOMER: “You still there?”

***

Your obedient servant,
B. Freret

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Pooping in Public

Trying to defecate in a public restroom has always been stressful.

There are few things a man will do in his lifetime that place him in as vulnerable a position in public: seated, pants down, mere feet away from total strangers, knowing that he really needs to go and hoping that his sphincter will relax just long enough to accomplish the mission.

Is the seat clean? Am I going to, however innocently, splash my pants and have to rejoin the non-bathroom-using public looking like I’ve just wet myself? Is there enough paper? Is the paper 600 grit or 60? Will some knuckle dragger mistake the closed and locked stall as being vacant, and begin violently pulling on the door to gain access? Clang! Clang! Clang! CLANG! Clanging away until enough current trickles across the right synapse to signal that the reason it won’t open is because the stall is occupied?

This wasn’t stressful enough? Now you’re telling me that on top of all this I HAVE TO MAKE GODDAMN CERTAIN THAT MY FEET REMAIN ABSOLUTELY MOTIONLESS, SO NOBODY MISTAKENLY THINKS I’M SOLICITING SEXUAL ACTIVITY?

Seriously? I can’t shit without making sure I sit there like a statue?

JUST WHO THE HELL THOUGHT OF THIS FORM OF COMMUNICATION, ANYWAY? (You would think that the proliferation of iPods among the pooping-in-public-but-not-gay-sex-seeking male population would have rendered this signaling system difficult, if not impossible, to continue to use reliably.)

Regardless, what’s next? I can’t sneeze in public, without learning that I’ve just signaled my willingness to midget wrestle? Can’t tug my ear without getting slapped with a copyright infringement suit in federal court? Can’t… well, you get the idea.

This is great. Just terrific. I guess from now on I’ll have to sneak into the ladies’ room to poop.

Your obedient servant,
B. Freret

Monday, August 20, 2007

Another Rearview Mirror Dreamcatcher

Saw another dreamcatcher hanging from a passenger car rearview mirror today. That makes the sixth one the past 45 days or so.

Makes me wonder how much r.e.m. sleep these people are getting at the wheel. Do they keep dreamcatchers in their cubicles at work, too? Beside their toilets at home, just in case they suddenly fall into a deep sleep whilst moving their bowels?

And setting aside the narcoleptic inference(s) for a moment, just what exactly are these people dreaming that requires such vigilant filtration, anyway? Even the kids in the Nightmare on Elm Street films never took such drastic precautions, and I think we can all pretty much agree that those were REALLY BAD dreams that needed to be trapped and filtered out.

Of course, maybe with dreamcatchers hanging from every rearview mirror, there never would have been a Nightmare franchise…

Your obedient servant,
B. Freret

Monday, June 25, 2007

Anthems of the Middle Aged

Crankdaddy's new EP Anthems of the Middle Aged dropped today.


If you don't agree that it kicks ass, it's probably just because you suck.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Ways in Which Mr. Harrison Might Have Tried to Console His Guitar


"There there, don’t be sad! It will all be okay!"

"How about a hug?"

"I didn’t know: I thought you wanted to be picked on. I’ll never do that again."

"Anybody around here up for a shiny new set of strings?"

"I’m sorry that happened to you."

"Do you think you could eat some of this nice casserole? You’d probably feel better if you ate something."

"Are you sure you remembered to take your meds this morning?"


Your obedient servant,
B. Freret

Monday, March 19, 2007

Old Mr. Detweiler’s Unfortunate Draw at the Coffee Shop’s Random Interpretive Reading Night: Pop Culture

Mr. Detweiler took his place at the podium, cleared his throat, pulled a paper from the hat, unfolded it and began to read:

“What you gon' do with all that junk?
All that junk inside your trunk?
I'ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely little lumps (Check it out).”



I had great difficulty paying attention to his lectures the remainder of that semester.

Your obedient servant,
B. Freret

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Thank you: I'm Back

I want to thank all of you who sent well-wishes during my long slow recovery. For those of you who don’t know, suffice it to say that I was injured in an unlikely (yet no less tragic) accident involving a rice harvesting combine while chaperoning a field trip.

I am happy to report that I’m getting around much better, and have recovered almost the full use of my tongue.

During my convalescence, my cousin the gifted illustrator and humorist sent me a number of his latest cartoons. I have neither a scanner nor digital camera, but I thought some were too good to pass up sharing with you: I wish you could see them!

Here are the captions from my favorites:

“Forgetting that her children were sitting right next to her, Jen began flashing her breasts to Greg at Wiggles Live.”


“Dude, they’re goldfish, not horses. Like, the chances of you breaking a leg or something is pretty much zero.”

and

“Rectum? It damn near killed him.”


I remain your humble and obedient servant,
B. Freret