Thursday, October 30, 2008

Clinical Internet Porn Site Review


I recently lost my side job, which is unfortunate not only because I need the income, but I really enjoyed the work. I wrote copy for an outfit based in Bedminster that reviews adult entertainment web sites.

Apparently, they aren’t even going to post anything I’ve submitted, which is very upsetting because I was hoping to use this publication on my resume. Thankfully, I have been paid, and look forward to walking down to Starbucks after lunch and spending that.

Oh well.

I just completed a review that I’m particularly pleased with, and since it seems a shame to let it go to waste, I am posting it here for free:


Today we look at http://www.pushrods.com/sample. This is a free trial page featuring four video clips in Windows Media format and no still images. The clips are short-ish, varying in duration from 32 seconds to 48 seconds per clip. The download speeds are unremarkable but adequate, and we did not experience any lag or stuttering. All four clips, though not sequential, appear to be from the same session, feature one man and one woman (likely to the delight of conservative viewers), and the full film ostensibly is available for purchase.

The set is thoughtfully appointed with tasteful if not slightly Ikea-esque furnishings. The lighting is consistent throughout, regardless of shot distance, and while certain criticisms of the cinematography are noted below, the camera remained reasonably steady throughout. (These clips should not upset your stomach if you became nauseated while pleasuring yourself to, say, Blair Witch, Cloverfield, or season one of Boston Legal.)

The thespians appear to be fastidiously concerned with personal hygiene. (Let’s just say that if these two were apes dependant upon grooming one another for sustenance, they would require nutritional supplements to avoid starvation. We’ll leave it at that.) Both are attractive and reasonably healthy looking, with clear skin, below normal body fat, and no conspicuous scarring. They appear to be in their mid-twenties. The female has one tattoo, inside her left ankle, but it is difficult to determine the subject matter of same. (Something small and dark. Like a black or navy squirrel. A ferret, perhaps.) The male is likely unable to sunbathe in public wearing short shorts (depending, of course, on applicable state and local laws concerning exposure, as well as his own modesty), and the female nigh approaches Plato’s Form for bosoms.

The male’s potentially promising future as a hand model is evident in Clip #1 (as is his unusually extendable tongue) and Clip #2 showcases the female’s prodigiously bendy physiology (Cirque du Soleil scouts, take note). Clip #3 is discussed below, and Clip #4, well, depicts the culmination of the male’s efforts.

Overall, these video clips are well made, the subjects attractive and in apparent good health, and the overall experience positive. That is not to say, however, that this footage is without fault.

For example, Clip #3 utilizes a camera angle for the female that is particularly unflattering, and this is exacerbated by the fact that it depicts a decidedly unladylike activity.

More egregious, and one of our oft-stated pet peeves, is that the original audio in all four clips has been replaced with less than convincing studio dubs. This merits repeating: poor voice acting diminishes the viewing experience and is a disservice to the hard work of the crew and on-screen actors. While one understandable explanation could be that the post production audio engineer was unable to sufficiently isolate and remove the squeaky balloon noises, there is simply no excuse for amateurish voice acting. Especially not when the film otherwise has reasonably high production values.


SITE: http://www.pushrods.com/sample

COST: Free

BEDMINSTER SCORE: Five Nipples (Out of eight)

2 comments:

Maggie said...

well...let's think positive, right? at least you didn't lose your day job.

jreed said...

While I have recently become familiar with your work, I have to say this is a most excellent review and those Bedminster folks are really missing out. I feel like I've seen the entire movie and would be disappointed by the actual movie upon viewing (kinda like reading a book, then seeing its adaption on film), so I have chosen not to view the posted link.
What I do find interesting and amazing is that my wife was actually a member of the squirrel navy also. They must have all had to get the same tattoo as some initiation or the like, becuase that's where hers is, too. Oddly, though, if you google squirrel navy, info on it must be extremely classified, becuase there's not much out there at all. Whenever I ask my wife about it, she just gets a sad look and says she just can't bear to talk about it. I guess the horrors of being at sea, God know where, witnessing the pain and suffering of war were too much to bear. Anyway, I will be sending this link to her to try to find out if this young lady was maybe a shipmate of hers, so I'm expecting to hear from her soon. And even though I hate to brag on her, my little punkin just earned her 9th consecutive "Mid-State Corn Dog Queen" title, I'm just so proud.

Thanks for the link, I'll let you know if it goes well.

J