Found this handwritten note stuck in my front door this morning:
An honest admission to Mr. Nutsack, after arriving home to discover that you’d absconded with what you considered to be the items of value we accrued during our seventeen years together, while leaving behind certain intangibles like trust, fidelity, integrity, honor, love, and friendship:
You were not, as I had previously indicated, “the best lover I have ever had”. Nor were you, in the interest of candor and full disclosure, in the top three.
I do, however, genuinely hope that you enjoy the stereo.
The author must have erred in delivery, because I have not (yet) been in a seventeen year relationship, and have never gone by the name "Nutsack".
Regardless, I have reproduced the note here for your consideration.
Your humble and obedient servant,