Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Can a Competent Nonfictional Adult Really Be That Stupid?

“A Vancouver woman said she discovered Tuesday that a man with a foot fetish had tricked her into posing as a foot model.” KPTV FOX 12, Portland, Oregon, November 26, 2008.

"I've Been Duped," Vancouver Woman Says*.

Assuming that Ms. Caicedo is being truthful (an assumption that requires an Abrahamian quantum of faith) this serves as yet another example of how watching lots of television can help you avoid awkward situations.

I am referring of course to Episode 83 of King of the Hill, in which Peggy Hill was likewise ‘duped’ into posing for a foot fetish web site under the pretense of providing assistance for an educational project.

You know I ordinarily refrain from passing judgment, but how is it possible that someone not associated with the Bush administration could be so stupid? (And what is funnier: that it happened at all, that she found out about the site, or that she gave an interview about it?)

She wants to warn other women.

Your Humble and Obedient Servant,
B. Freret

* More family friendly than, say, "I'm A Dumbass," Vancouver woman says.

UPDATE: Who knew that Fox ever ever edited anything? Perhaps just a glitch or once in a lifetime occurrence, but it seems the comments to the “news” article linked above have been deleted.

UPDATE TO THE UPDATE: Whew, Fox doesn't ever edit anything after all. That did seem too odd to believe. Seems it was just a glitch, the comments are live again. We'll see how long they last.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Lucas Held’s Google Ads Are Funnier Than His Latest Blog Entry

P.R. forwarded me this via email:

Lucas Held is a gifted, brilliant, hilarious writer with more talent in his toenail clippings than I could ever hope to have (the talent, I mean – not so interested in the clippings).

Like anyone, he’s entitled to have an off day every once in a while.

He’s goofed on grandparents lately, so between that and his name here is what Google AdSense* thinks his readers will be interested in:

Hand Held Barcode Scanner

Wrinkle Cream

Grandmother Chat (!)

Cabo San Lucas Resort

Ouch! Nobody should have Google Ads that are funnier than their most recent post. Sorry, Mr. Held. (I love you anyway.)

“Google AdSense is a content-targeted advertising program. This means that you do not select keywords or categories for your ads. Instead, Google's servers determine what your posts are about and display the most relevant ads to your readers. So, if you blog about baseball, there might be ads for Major League Baseball memorabilia next to your post. If you blog about painting, there might be ads for art supplies.”


While I am glad to find that link to the Grandmother chat, I must admit that P.R. raises a valid point. Thank you, as always, for thinking of me!

Your Humble and Obedient Servant,
B. Freret

Monday, November 24, 2008

“How to Surf the Web on Your Mac Computer”

Reader Elle emailed me concerning an instructional DVD that she reports has been tremendously beneficial in helping her overcome some cognitive shortcomings.

It is “How to Surf the Web on Your Mac Computer” and can be found in your parish or county public library or online at Amazon.

Apparently this DVD is Volume 6 in a series of instructional DVDs that include

Volume 1: “Mornings - What to Do When the Bright Light Shines Through Your Bedroom Window,”

Volume 2: “How to Make the Gnawing Feeling in Your Tummy Go Away Using Items from Your Pantry,”

Volume 3: “How to Move Your Bowels - A Comprehensive Study from Squat to Flush,”

Volume 4: “Telephones – Demystifying the Persistent Ringing Sound,”


Volume 5: “Introduction to Electrical Outlets - Bad for Kitty, Good for Items that have Cords with Pronged Plugs at One End.”

Thank you, Elle, for sharing this. I’m so proud of you for figuring out how to operate your television and DVD player so you could watch!

Respectfully, I remain
B. Freret

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Marketing 2.0?

I mistakenly received a sale circular intended for my neighbor in yesterday's mail, and couldn’t help but take a look before handing it over to him.

WARNING: The language depicted in this photograph may be considered offensive.

NOTE: Click on it and it will get bigger. (The photograph.)

I must confess to being perplexed by the marketing angle. Is this something particular to the music industry, or perhaps some entirely new approach to attracting customers? Is this “Marketing 2.0,” geared toward people with low self esteem?

I do not approve.

Your Humble and Obedient Servant,
B. Freret

What a Wonderful World This Could Be

As we approach the holiday season, a message of nurturing love and delicate cooperation seems appropriate.

My wife and I were having drinks one evening with one of her coworkers and his single yet reasonably attractive 29 year old female cousin I’ll call Lingua*, when a homely fellow passed by our table. Lingua quipped, “with looks like that, he’d better be able to lick a mean p#ssy,” immediately dispelling any uncertainty surrounding her status as a single female.

I still tremble at the thought of what might constitute a “mean p#ssy.”**

I ask you, is there not enough conflict and strife in the world without our having to suffer angst-ridden vaginas? Are we not all God’s children, capable of living together in harmony?

I am reminded of something Mohandas Gandhi might have said, had he specifically addressed this issue:

When I despair,
I remember that all through history
the ways of truth and love have always won.
There have been tyrants, and murderers, and mean p#ssies,
and for a time they can seem invincible,
but in the end they always fall.

Think of it - always.

So in this time of hope and celebration, I implore not just Lingua but all the Linguas of the world to please please love your vaginas. Nurture them with tenderness and care, and allow us to do the same.

If we try to come together the world will be a better place. And have fewer mean vaginas.

Respectfully, I am
B. Freret

* Not her real name.

** She could have intended at least two different meanings, either “mean” as in vicious (i.e., acid spitting, teeth baring, etc.), or “mean” as in cruel (i.e., “is that all you’ve got?” or “nanny nanny boo boo”). Honestly, who would want to lick such a thing? Regardless, the stuff nightmares are made of.

"We Need a Creativity Cleanup in Isle 7..."

See also, "Look, I almost stepped in this dog creativity!" and "When the creativity hits the fan."

Your Humble Servant,
B. Freret

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Blog of the Day, November 16, 2008

The Adventures of B. Freret has been awarded

Blog Awards Winner

I am humbled and honored. [And more than a little concerned about Mr. Austin’s lapse in judgment by selecting The Adventures. Yes, Bill Austin. That Bill Austin.]

I will endeavor to live up to this prestigious honor.

Your Humble and Obedient Servant,
B. Freret

Saturday, November 15, 2008

"Republican Head"

I just finished reviewing all my home phone Caller ID entries from the weeks leading up to the election: there are no fewer than two dozen missed calls that proclaim to be from "REPUBLICAN HEAD".

No comment* (is any necessary?), those are just two words I never thought I'd see together. I cannot say that I am sorry to have missed those calls.

The person(s) responsible for politicizing fellatio should be unceremoniously shot.

B. Freret

* In the history of language, has a leading word ever been as effective at sucking (sorry) the fun out of the trailing word? "Taxable income," for example, doesn't even come close. "Prison sex" is worse, now that I think about it.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Sesame Street Gets an “F” in Teaching Logic

Last night I took our youngest (he’s three) with me to pick up a Little Caesar’s Hot-N-Ready pizza (which, as it turned out, was neither). As we parked, he noticed a bald man getting out of the car next to ours.

“He must be Hilton!” referring to our bald family friend. (No relation to the comically infectious hotel heiress.)

“Why?” I asked.

“Because he has no hair.”

“Interesting hypothesis…” I mused, spotting the opportunity. “So, do you think he is bald because he is named Hilton, or named Hilton because he is bald?”

“I think… he is named Hilton because he is bald.”

“Well,” I said, “then don’t you think that every baby boy born bald would be named ‘Hilton’?”

No response.


Respectfully I remain,
B. Freret

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Beer & Stripper Markets Bullish

American Funds took a break from spending my retirement account on the still-viable fermented beverage and exotic dance industries long enough to prepare and send me this:

I now feel comforted - soothed, even - knowing that the money I lost last year might be the result of guidance from experienced investors. I was uncomfortable after the 2007 annual report arrived, though the photograph of the tic-tac-toe playing rooster was crisp and colorful, and he seemed nice enough. (Or perhaps they mean that American Funds only recently brought in the experienced investors, to correct for last year's losses? Regardless, the point is that now experienced investors can guide me through a challenging market. And presumably those folks are somehow associated with American Funds.)

Before receiving the annual report with its thoughtful cover and witty tagline, I was under the impression that this is what was happening:

Note: Kayak Not to Scale


Perhaps this year they will forego spending my retirement account on the fermented beverage and exotic dance industries and will instead invest it there?

Humbly, I am,
B. Freret

Monday, November 10, 2008

Partially Mummified Skeletal Remains

An epiphany, from watching partially mummified skeletal remains drive a Porche Boxster (top down no less, in wanton disregard for the very real risk that a necrotic ear or finger might break off in the wind to be lost forever alongside the road) down Veterans Boulevard this morning:

If youth is wasted on the young, then wealth must be wasted on the undead.

Humbly I remain,
B. Freret

Sunday, November 09, 2008

"Seven Hobbits" Desk Calendar

I picked up a nice 2008 desk calendar this morning in the neighborhood office supply store (on clearance for $0.98!). I don't want to go into too many details, lest I run afoul of copyright laws, but the maxims contained therein merit sharing:

Seven Hobbits of Highly Effective People

1. Be Peregrin.
2. Baggins with the End in Mind.
3. Put Frodo Things Frodo.
4. Think Took/Took.
5. Seek First to Bilbo, Then to be Bilboed.
6. Sméagolgize.
7. Sharpen the Sam.

Respectfully, I am
B. Freret

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Facebook Can be Magical!

A recent reunion between John and Jen via Facebook, forwarded to me by another sentimental reader.

WARNING: It has been brought to my attention that the language depicted in this photograph may be considered offensive. I don't quite follow, but regardless, am passing along the warning.

I am always moved when old friends are able to reconnect. Magic!

Humbled, I am

Response to the Rude Reader Regarding RUSH LVR

I don't ordinarily allow such things to upset me, but to the reader who sent the somewhat rude (if not outright hostile) email alleging that my prior posts on RUSH LVR were works of fiction, I provide the following evidence to the contrary:

I thank you in advance for taking your negativity elsewhere.

Humbly I remain,
B. Freret

Excerpts from the Diary of a Bitter Adult Film Actor

At the request of my neighbor (who asked to remain anonymous) I will be reproducing from time to time portions of an original document loaned to him by a friend of a friend.

Monday, September 8, 8:32pm
Terrific, we lost power during the thunderstorm last night. I overslept and was late again. Murray was so mad that he didn’t even wait for the elastic waistband indentations from my boxers to fade, we just started filming as soon as I got on the set. (Who needs to take pride in their work, anyway?) And then, even after my rant last week, somebody stole my lunch out of the fridge. The last meatballs leftover from dinner at mom’s Friday. I hope the thief choked on them. This is going to be a hum dinger of a week.

Tuesday, September 9, 9:07pm
Was scheduled to work with Dee today, but guess who chose not to get tested on schedule? Meth head. I mean, great that she was off the set to get tested (late), but as a consequence of her irresponsibility, Murray subbed Karen in for her. I hate working with Karen. She should have quit years ago. I mean, seriously, “Oh baby. Oh baby.” What is this, 1972? Her namesake from Spongebob would be more convincing.

Wednesday, September 10, 6:45pm
Waxed today. Finally finished Greene’s Elegant Universe. Hack.

Thursday, September 11, 9:22pm
Well well, wouldn’t you know it. I give my best performance of the past six months (and probably one of the top three of my career), and find out after that Louie had trashed the audio. I don’t have any illusion that after they butcher it in post, my chances for AVN Best Actor just went out the window. He’s probably the jerk who ate my mom’s meatballs, too. I hate him.

Friday, September 12, 10:45pm
Murray wanted to scratch tomorrow’s shooting schedule, so Mr. Genius decided we’d double up for today. Nothing like pulling a double shift without overtime because he’s too lazy to come in on Saturday morning. Double shifts are, well, really hard on me. Maybe I’ll get a chance to work on those draft union docs this weekend. Netflix and the mailman managed to actually get Wall-E here today (third time is the charm, I guess), so I’m going to try and kick back and get work off my mind. I know I say this every weekend, but I honestly don’t care if I never see another vagina again.

Your humble and obedient servant,
B. Freret

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Who Knew II?

That survivalists observe the holidays? And exchange gifts?

Honestly, if you have that much foresight and lead time, is it really an “emergency”?

UPDATE: The best part has just been pointed out to me by an alert reader.

Down on the lower left of the page:

Gift cards!

Who Knew?

That a presidential election would be considered "history making"?

After they told me the first time, I remained skeptical. But the second time? Must be true.


UPDATE: I have it on good authority (an anonymous source in Atlanta) that the lead

“No matter how they vote, Americans will make history today. They may pick the first black U.S. president. Or the oldest first-term president and the first woman vice president.”

Narrowly beat out

“It was a dark and stormy night. The Earth continues to spin on its axis. Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead. The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog.”

For must useless drivel in a news article, ever.

To steal a line from Ed, “thou art a shitty writer.”

Monday, November 03, 2008

Weekend Review

It was a fairly quiet weekend at Chateau Freret. We took advantage of the extra hour to laze around the house, tidy up loose ends, and prepare for the week ahead.

Our neighbors’ son Craig, all of twelve years old, stopped by Friday night in his Halloween costume. He wore a bathrobe and slippers and sported shoe polish whiskers on his face, as if he hadn’t shaved in days. Craig explained that he was “an unemployed welfare recipient” and walked about the neighborhood all night shouting “Vote for Joe Llama for president! I’m poor and he’ll give me more money!” (NOTE: the candidate’s real name has been changed herein, so as not to politicize The Adventures.) Kudos to his parents, minds are never too young to close.

Saturday, our oldest daughter won the Dish Sprint (you know, the race that commences immediately after the dishwasher stops running to see how fast the dishes can be removed, used however lightly [this step is optional], and placed into the sink to be washed again), and our youngest worked quietly on her science fair project.

You may recall her first Science Fair from year before last. She chose not to participate in the 2007 Fair for personal reasons, so I am happy to report that she is going to give it another go this year. I cannot wait to see what she does this time! I know that she originally had her heart set on doing something regarding the conversion of light energy into chemical energy by little people (Frodosnthesis) but apparently that has fallen though.

I followed my usual Sunday routine of carefully parsing the Monday through Saturday editions of the local paper, red pen in hand, preparing my thoughtful Monday morning correspondence to the editorial staff. No error is too trifling to escape my eye, and I know the editors always appreciate hearing from me. I was delighted to finally see my efforts acknowledged just last week (“Photo Caption on Page 7 should have read ‘Pimp My Ride’ and not ‘Pimp My Bride’. We regret the error.”) so I redoubled my efforts.

I was also finally able to finish the letters of apology to my son’s little league coach (and teammates, and the opposing team, and all the players’ families, as well as poor Professor Detweiler whose timing could not have been more unfortunate) for my regrettably inappropriate conduct at last Wednesday’s game. No more will be said on that.

Mrs. Freret read the Sunday sale papers, and noted with some curiosity the novel shapes and styles of Limited Edition DVD cases. You may have noticed these in recent years, the ‘collectors' cases’ that don’t fit anywhere or serve any purpose, and come in all manner of odd designs. Examples include the Get Smart shoe phone case (it is not a working telephone) and the Little House on the Prairie covered wagon case, neither of which serve any useful function. I overheard her wondering aloud whether the Hogan’s Heroes Collectors Edition DVDs would come in a phallic shaped case, apparently a nod to Mr. Crane's life off the show. Her excitement was not lost on me, so I jotted that down as a Christmas gift idea for her, even though I have to remember to look up what “phallic” means. She must think such a case could serve some purpose, and that is good enough for me.

Finally, I received an interesting piece of junk mail on Saturday that I want to share with you. This came from a local concern, Hughes Discount Funeral Home:

When making your own funeral/burial arrangements, consider this: for 140 years, the mummified remains of Pharaoh Ramses I sat on a dusty shelf in a North American oddities museum between a mummified two headed calf and a chimp torso grafted to a fish tail. For 140 years, thousands of tourists un-awed by Niagara Falls sought out real excitement by filing through the museum, gawking and pointing at the god-king’s remains. Hardly the afterlife envisioned some 3,000 years prior, when thousands of his countrymen toiled and died in preparation for his journey.

So go right ahead and make your fancy funeral arrangements if that makes you feel better, but please understand that just because you do, does not mean that your wishes will be carried out. And if they are, there is no guarantee that in a thousand years some schmuck won't build a condo on your grave. You'll be dead anyway, and we've met you (once, at a Chamber function, you probably don't remember) and you're no god-king, if you catch our drift, so who are you to be all hoity-toity? We're a lot less expensive than those other places who claim to actually use caskets and shit. And do you really want to spend all that money on your funeral? Think about all the things your wife and kids could do with that money, if you don't blow it on yourself.

Don't Be A Selfish Bastard: Use Hughes Discount Funeral Home.

I wish you could see the brochure, very slick.

Your humble and obedient servant,
B. Freret