Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Excerpts from the Diary of a Bitter Adult Film Actor

At the request of my neighbor (who asked to remain anonymous) I will be reproducing from time to time portions of an original document loaned to him by a friend of a friend.

Monday, September 8, 8:32pm
Terrific, we lost power during the thunderstorm last night. I overslept and was late again. Murray was so mad that he didn’t even wait for the elastic waistband indentations from my boxers to fade, we just started filming as soon as I got on the set. (Who needs to take pride in their work, anyway?) And then, even after my rant last week, somebody stole my lunch out of the fridge. The last meatballs leftover from dinner at mom’s Friday. I hope the thief choked on them. This is going to be a hum dinger of a week.

Tuesday, September 9, 9:07pm
Was scheduled to work with Dee today, but guess who chose not to get tested on schedule? Meth head. I mean, great that she was off the set to get tested (late), but as a consequence of her irresponsibility, Murray subbed Karen in for her. I hate working with Karen. She should have quit years ago. I mean, seriously, “Oh baby. Oh baby.” What is this, 1972? Her namesake from Spongebob would be more convincing.

Wednesday, September 10, 6:45pm
Waxed today. Finally finished Greene’s Elegant Universe. Hack.

Thursday, September 11, 9:22pm
Well well, wouldn’t you know it. I give my best performance of the past six months (and probably one of the top three of my career), and find out after that Louie had trashed the audio. I don’t have any illusion that after they butcher it in post, my chances for AVN Best Actor just went out the window. He’s probably the jerk who ate my mom’s meatballs, too. I hate him.

Friday, September 12, 10:45pm
Murray wanted to scratch tomorrow’s shooting schedule, so Mr. Genius decided we’d double up for today. Nothing like pulling a double shift without overtime because he’s too lazy to come in on Saturday morning. Double shifts are, well, really hard on me. Maybe I’ll get a chance to work on those draft union docs this weekend. Netflix and the mailman managed to actually get Wall-E here today (third time is the charm, I guess), so I’m going to try and kick back and get work off my mind. I know I say this every weekend, but I honestly don’t care if I never see another vagina again.

Your humble and obedient servant,
B. Freret


bodacia said...

Sir-if you could possibly connect me with the said "Murry" in these quaint work-a-day memoirs I should to you be most thankful. You see, I am anxious to find a partner in my half-off wholesale carpet company "Shagging Off" and surmised such a partnership may prove lucrative to this Murry fellow in the set design of these fine motion pictures, of which I own three--DVD and VHS. Also, can I get a recipe for those meatballs? It's been a while since I've had some good meatballs.
yours in good faith,

Bad Alice said...

Oh, this amused me. Do you ever write for McSweeney's?

B. Freret said...

You are too kind, my misbehaving new friend:

I was rejected by McSweeney's for several years before I gave up. On them. With respect to me. ;)

The last piece I sent for rejection was the Clinical Internet Porn review. I am very proud that one appears at Yankee Pot Roast.

I still love reading McSweeney's, particularly my friend Frank Ferri's work (I am biased) but I no longer submit there.

Scott Oglesby said...

This was great, I love your style. We should definitely keep in touch with each other. We seem to have similar perspectives on all the important things…

Great shit!