Monday, November 03, 2008

Weekend Review

It was a fairly quiet weekend at Chateau Freret. We took advantage of the extra hour to laze around the house, tidy up loose ends, and prepare for the week ahead.

Our neighbors’ son Craig, all of twelve years old, stopped by Friday night in his Halloween costume. He wore a bathrobe and slippers and sported shoe polish whiskers on his face, as if he hadn’t shaved in days. Craig explained that he was “an unemployed welfare recipient” and walked about the neighborhood all night shouting “Vote for Joe Llama for president! I’m poor and he’ll give me more money!” (NOTE: the candidate’s real name has been changed herein, so as not to politicize The Adventures.) Kudos to his parents, minds are never too young to close.

Saturday, our oldest daughter won the Dish Sprint (you know, the race that commences immediately after the dishwasher stops running to see how fast the dishes can be removed, used however lightly [this step is optional], and placed into the sink to be washed again), and our youngest worked quietly on her science fair project.

You may recall her first Science Fair from year before last. She chose not to participate in the 2007 Fair for personal reasons, so I am happy to report that she is going to give it another go this year. I cannot wait to see what she does this time! I know that she originally had her heart set on doing something regarding the conversion of light energy into chemical energy by little people (Frodosnthesis) but apparently that has fallen though.

I followed my usual Sunday routine of carefully parsing the Monday through Saturday editions of the local paper, red pen in hand, preparing my thoughtful Monday morning correspondence to the editorial staff. No error is too trifling to escape my eye, and I know the editors always appreciate hearing from me. I was delighted to finally see my efforts acknowledged just last week (“Photo Caption on Page 7 should have read ‘Pimp My Ride’ and not ‘Pimp My Bride’. We regret the error.”) so I redoubled my efforts.

I was also finally able to finish the letters of apology to my son’s little league coach (and teammates, and the opposing team, and all the players’ families, as well as poor Professor Detweiler whose timing could not have been more unfortunate) for my regrettably inappropriate conduct at last Wednesday’s game. No more will be said on that.

Mrs. Freret read the Sunday sale papers, and noted with some curiosity the novel shapes and styles of Limited Edition DVD cases. You may have noticed these in recent years, the ‘collectors' cases’ that don’t fit anywhere or serve any purpose, and come in all manner of odd designs. Examples include the Get Smart shoe phone case (it is not a working telephone) and the Little House on the Prairie covered wagon case, neither of which serve any useful function. I overheard her wondering aloud whether the Hogan’s Heroes Collectors Edition DVDs would come in a phallic shaped case, apparently a nod to Mr. Crane's life off the show. Her excitement was not lost on me, so I jotted that down as a Christmas gift idea for her, even though I have to remember to look up what “phallic” means. She must think such a case could serve some purpose, and that is good enough for me.

Finally, I received an interesting piece of junk mail on Saturday that I want to share with you. This came from a local concern, Hughes Discount Funeral Home:

When making your own funeral/burial arrangements, consider this: for 140 years, the mummified remains of Pharaoh Ramses I sat on a dusty shelf in a North American oddities museum between a mummified two headed calf and a chimp torso grafted to a fish tail. For 140 years, thousands of tourists un-awed by Niagara Falls sought out real excitement by filing through the museum, gawking and pointing at the god-king’s remains. Hardly the afterlife envisioned some 3,000 years prior, when thousands of his countrymen toiled and died in preparation for his journey.

So go right ahead and make your fancy funeral arrangements if that makes you feel better, but please understand that just because you do, does not mean that your wishes will be carried out. And if they are, there is no guarantee that in a thousand years some schmuck won't build a condo on your grave. You'll be dead anyway, and we've met you (once, at a Chamber function, you probably don't remember) and you're no god-king, if you catch our drift, so who are you to be all hoity-toity? We're a lot less expensive than those other places who claim to actually use caskets and shit. And do you really want to spend all that money on your funeral? Think about all the things your wife and kids could do with that money, if you don't blow it on yourself.

Don't Be A Selfish Bastard: Use Hughes Discount Funeral Home.

I wish you could see the brochure, very slick.

Your humble and obedient servant,
B. Freret

1 comment:

B. Bodacia said...

My Uncle, Scott Ish, used Hughes DFH. He was a cheapass bastard, that's certain. My Aunt, Bea Littled Ish, used the money Uncle Scott saved to pay for a proper lay and take all the kids (and cousins, thank you) on a cruise to Barbados. Thank you, Hughes!