Thursday, October 30, 2008

Clinical Internet Porn Site Review


I recently lost my side job, which is unfortunate not only because I need the income, but I really enjoyed the work. I wrote copy for an outfit based in Bedminster that reviews adult entertainment web sites.

Apparently, they aren’t even going to post anything I’ve submitted, which is very upsetting because I was hoping to use this publication on my resume. Thankfully, I have been paid, and look forward to walking down to Starbucks after lunch and spending that.

Oh well.

I just completed a review that I’m particularly pleased with, and since it seems a shame to let it go to waste, I am posting it here for free:


Today we look at http://www.pushrods.com/sample. This is a free trial page featuring four video clips in Windows Media format and no still images. The clips are short-ish, varying in duration from 32 seconds to 48 seconds per clip. The download speeds are unremarkable but adequate, and we did not experience any lag or stuttering. All four clips, though not sequential, appear to be from the same session, feature one man and one woman (likely to the delight of conservative viewers), and the full film ostensibly is available for purchase.

The set is thoughtfully appointed with tasteful if not slightly Ikea-esque furnishings. The lighting is consistent throughout, regardless of shot distance, and while certain criticisms of the cinematography are noted below, the camera remained reasonably steady throughout. (These clips should not upset your stomach if you became nauseated while pleasuring yourself to, say, Blair Witch, Cloverfield, or season one of Boston Legal.)

The thespians appear to be fastidiously concerned with personal hygiene. (Let’s just say that if these two were apes dependant upon grooming one another for sustenance, they would require nutritional supplements to avoid starvation. We’ll leave it at that.) Both are attractive and reasonably healthy looking, with clear skin, below normal body fat, and no conspicuous scarring. They appear to be in their mid-twenties. The female has one tattoo, inside her left ankle, but it is difficult to determine the subject matter of same. (Something small and dark. Like a black or navy squirrel. A ferret, perhaps.) The male is likely unable to sunbathe in public wearing short shorts (depending, of course, on applicable state and local laws concerning exposure, as well as his own modesty), and the female nigh approaches Plato’s Form for bosoms.

The male’s potentially promising future as a hand model is evident in Clip #1 (as is his unusually extendable tongue) and Clip #2 showcases the female’s prodigiously bendy physiology (Cirque du Soleil scouts, take note). Clip #3 is discussed below, and Clip #4, well, depicts the culmination of the male’s efforts.

Overall, these video clips are well made, the subjects attractive and in apparent good health, and the overall experience positive. That is not to say, however, that this footage is without fault.

For example, Clip #3 utilizes a camera angle for the female that is particularly unflattering, and this is exacerbated by the fact that it depicts a decidedly unladylike activity.

More egregious, and one of our oft-stated pet peeves, is that the original audio in all four clips has been replaced with less than convincing studio dubs. This merits repeating: poor voice acting diminishes the viewing experience and is a disservice to the hard work of the crew and on-screen actors. While one understandable explanation could be that the post production audio engineer was unable to sufficiently isolate and remove the squeaky balloon noises, there is simply no excuse for amateurish voice acting. Especially not when the film otherwise has reasonably high production values.


SITE: http://www.pushrods.com/sample

COST: Free

BEDMINSTER SCORE: Five Nipples (Out of eight)

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

First Name Verbs


As-spelled:

Bill
Bob
Brad
Don
Lance
Nick
Rob
Skip
Sue
Will

Phonetic:

Doug
Mary
Phil
Phuck

A Shameless Plea for Help


And no, I am not referring to this site in toto.

But if enough people click on this link Jennifer Dziura’s* page (who is not only an actual person, but a hat trick extraordinaire: brilliant, hilarious, and hot) then perhaps she would honor The Adventures with a link from (one of) her site(s)? Maybe not the sex toy one. But really, who am I to be picky.

Appreciatively yours,
B. Freret


* Pronounced just like the 19th century ailment, as is my own surname.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Misdelivered Missive


Found this handwritten note stuck in my front door this morning:

***

An honest admission to Mr. Nutsack, after arriving home to discover that you’d absconded with what you considered to be the items of value we accrued during our seventeen years together, while leaving behind certain intangibles like trust, fidelity, integrity, honor, love, and friendship:

You were not, as I had previously indicated, “the best lover I have ever had”. Nor were you, in the interest of candor and full disclosure, in the top three.

I do, however, genuinely hope that you enjoy the stereo.


***

The author must have erred in delivery, because I have not (yet) been in a seventeen year relationship, and have never gone by the name "Nutsack".

Regardless, I have reproduced the note here for your consideration.

Your humble and obedient servant,
B. Freret

Saturday, October 25, 2008

A Response to Readers Concerned with RUSH LVR


I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to send concerned messages regarding my recent article about a state license plate. Several of you have expressed sentiment similar to this example, selected at random from the lot:

"Your a moron. That license plate meant Rush Limbaugh. This sight isn’t funny at all."

I want to respond to each of you personally by again thanking you for your patronage and concern, and by pointing out that I did already say that I believed the license plate was referring to illegal drug use. If the vehicle owner was, as you suggest, actually referring to Mr. Limbaugh, what could I have said any differently?

Respectfully I remain,
B. Freret


Friday, October 24, 2008

Thursday, October 23, 2008

An Open Letter to Maggie, My Second Reader


Dearest Maggie,

Please revisit this site, Mags! (May I refer to you by your familiar?)

When your blog disappeared and you stopped visiting these pages, you singlehandedly removed one half of my readership. I’m left with only Boski, whom I deeply admire and (heterosexually) adore, but I pine for the days when the both of you came calling.

It doesn’t matter to me that the only reason you found this nonsense was because you were Googling “Freret” and thought we might be related. We got past that, didn’t we? And, having stumbled this way, you stuck around and had a few laughs, didn’t you?

I know that you live your convictions well, and as a mature person of good moral character, there is little here to interest you. But where is the harm in occasionally checking in, on the off chance of having a guilty giggle?

Indulge yourself, please. Come back.

Humbly, I am,
B. Freret

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

RUSH LVR


I was taken aback this afternoon when I noticed a license plate emblazoned “RUSH LVR”.

I would not have thought the state would approve such a plate. Regardless of one’s affinity for alkyl nitrates, does it not seem extremely unlikely that the state would approve, for example, WEED LVR, COKE LVR, METH LVR, or CRAK LVR? So why the exception for poppers?

Oh, wait. How embarrassing. Perhaps the plate refers instead to that Canadian band with the fellow who sings through his nose, causing a delightful and unique tone that you don’t really hear so much as feel betwixt the ears. The three member group with the forty five minute songs – each utilizing random and inconsistent time signatures that change every few measures, like 232/15, then 12/82, then 3/70, followed by 666/3 – great foot-tapping fun, those!

No, I apologize, that is ridiculous, isn’t it? No one would put THAT Rush on a license plate, and if they did, could not in good conscience proclaim themselves to be a LVR of those guys.

No, one is not a LVR of petrified Canadians. It seems more natural to be a LVR of, say, a SK8R BOI, or someone with L337 SK1LZ.

Must just be a drug reference, then. This one must have slipped past the folks whose job it is to maintain and meticulously cross reference the master list of prohibited license plates.

Shame on you, state employee(s)!

Your obedient servant,
B. Freret


Sunday, October 19, 2008

Thank you, Hummer Owner!


Dear Owner of the Black H3 Parked Outside of OfficeMax This Afternoon,

Thank you so much for the unexpected opportunity to explain to my six year old son the “WORLD’S GREATEST FUCK” bumper sticker affixed to the rear of your vehicle!

Once I’d finished my explanation, he seemed to feel genuine compassion for the freakishly grotesque inadequacies you so desperately want to ignore. Honestly, world’s greatest fuck? On a Hummer? Tears welled up in his eyes as he struggled to comprehend how horrible it must be to walk in your shoes. (And I almost wept for the lover you are unable to satisfy. Until I realized that she is likely having her needs met elsewhere.)

We are so sorry for you, and I thank you for unwittingly helping me teach my son that we are all God’s blessed creatures. Even neurotic assholes such as yourself.

Regards,
B. Freret

Friday, October 17, 2008

Lionel Richie and "Truly"


While most everyone over the age of thirty knows of Lionel Richie and at least one of the songs from his Grammy award winning body of work, few people realize just how progressive and forward thinking Richie was in the early 1980s. Richie experimented with releasing regionally localized versions of a number of his songs years before anyone else was doing so, forging new paths for later artists to follow. This pioneering work in customizing music to multiple markets would not be commercially successful until 1989 and 1990, when two different versions of the Tyson-Ward song Black Velvet enjoyed success on both pop and country charts.

Case in point: Richie’s 1982 hit Truly spent two weeks at number one on the Billboard Hot 100 and four weeks at number one on the adult contemporary chart. However, almost no one realizes that Richie’s production company recorded a second, entirely different, version of Truly that same year.

In an effort to penetrate the lucrative country and western market with what Richie already knew would be a hit in his familiar adult contemporary niche, his production company actually cut and released a country version of Truly, sung by an unknown Arkansas resident named Karl Childers, who was at the time (get ready for this) a patient in a ‘nervous home.’

Childers’ Truly received little airplay and would have been lost to history but for the love of a handful of fans who have kept the song alive in their hearts, if not the airwaves.

Enjoy!