Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Writing Prompt Wednesday


Per fantastic blog Dancing With the Dwende, I submit the following:

***

“Get the fuck outta here!”

“Dude, I’m totally serious, here – look,” Jeff said, handing over the cover letter.

Thomas, still doubting, took it and began to read out loud.

“'Words cannot express my gratitude for your assistance in reuniting me with this automobile. But the reward can. Therefore, enclosed please find check #6278 made payable to you in the amount of TWO HUNDRED FIFTY THOUSAND and NO/100 DOLLARS ($250,000.00)…'”

Tom’s eyes opened wider and wider as he read faster and faster, the pitch of his voice ascending, until he sounded like one of the Chipmunks, “'… the car will be displayed at the company headquarters in Louisville, replacing a replica I commissioned while I searched'… DUDE, NO FUCKING WAY!” He briefly moved as if to hug Jeff, thought better of it, and hit him in the shoulder instead. Hard.

“Yeah, crazy, isn’t it? I deposited the check this morning. I still can’t believe it, either.”

“Man, that is AWESOME! What are you going to buy first?”

“Well,” Jeff paused, his face turning serious. Tom could tell something he’d regret was about to happen.

“I was thinking,” Jeff went on, “that you might be interested in five grand.”

“For doing what?” Tom quietly asked, all traces of excitement now gone from his face.

“For stealing the car, so we can help the sonofabitch recover it, and collect the reward.”

***

Respectfully, I remain,
B. Freret


Monday, August 10, 2009

A STURDY Chair?


Men's Health has provided a helpful list of "41 Ways to Make a Woman Swoon."

Assuming they mean ways for me to make my woman swoon, I am pissed.

Take a second, P.R., please, to read (at least) the first dozen, then come back.

"A sturdy chair"? Really, Men's Health, a sturdy chair? Overlooking that #12 doesn't really describe a "romantic gesture" but rather simply a sex act*, are you sure about the STURDY chair part?

Did you think that though, first?

Man, Men's Health, you better hope I don't run into you at a party or anything, because I might just have to kick your ass.

Sincerely, I am
B. Freret

* Though not particularly prudish, I must ask, how helpful is it to your target audience to list sex acts among "ways to make her swoon"? Why not, then, simply have a list of two items:

1. Do it.
2. Be Brad Pitt, whilst doing it.

Not very helpful, is it, unless Brad actually reads Men's Health? (And even then, I'm pretty sure that he KNOWS to do it without your damn list.)

Regardless, in a collection of "romantic gestures" ostensibly designed to "make her swoon," is it really helpful to recommend cunnilingus? Gee, you think?