The Adventures of B. Freret

Word Count Writing Contest Epilogue

2011-01-20T11:27:00.011-05:00

You may recall Boudreau's Birthday Bash Word Count Contest from last fall: the talented Jules Archer won a copy of Todd Heldt's first novel, Before You Were a Prophet.

I apologize for the delay, but I did actually send Jules her prize, she read it, has nice things to say about it ("... I really enjoyed it, and it will stick with me.... so much to ponder with well-written, flawed but interesting characters....") and was kind enough to provide this photographic evidence that she eats Lucky Charms*, owns other books, and has a (freakishly) uncluttered home:

Thanks again to Jules for the pictures, to Todd for writing such an engaging novel, and to all the competitors for inspiring my friend to write so much that he almost finished his own novel during the contest. (By almost finished his novel, I mean writing one, not reading one. He's read two, maybe three books already in his life, and not picture books!) He has since completed the first draft, made the gross corrections with the assistance of the copy-editor from hell, and recently tumbled headfirst into the abyss of rewriting the whole damn thing. (I miss him.)

Humbly, I remain,
B. Freret

* Or at least owns Lucky Charms.

The Cool Color of 9,300 Degrees, Kelvin

2010-10-24T11:35:00.009-04:00

Nine thousand, three hundred also happens to be the number of words Julia (Jules) Archer wrote during the Word Count Contest to take the win:

WINNER!

Actually, 9,371. Nine thousand words she wouldn't have had without the contest - I expect a shout-out in the preface, when it is published!

Congratulations to Julia and all the Honorable Mentions: Dustin Hodge, Jenny Preston, Chris Andrews, Rochelle Gregory, and Jo Prescott.

I'm honored to report that I've been given permission to read everyone's work, and I look forward to doing so.

Thank you all for participating! My friend still isn't "finished" with the first draft of his novel, but now he can switch to edit mode, and expects to knock that out in the next couple of days.

Respectfully, I am
B. Freret

Time!

2010-10-23T23:59:00.002-04:00

Place your pencils on your desks, and step away from the Scantrons - show me your hands! Better.

Boudreau's Birthday Bash Word Count Writing Contest is officially over.

If you have not complied with this rule:

You must email a single Word document containing all the words you've written, to me, before 12:00am EST 10/24/10. I will use Word to determine the total number of words in your document. I will then destroy the document, and the email, and if you'd like, my computer as well, unless you tell me in the body of the email that I may read the document, in which case I will likely read a page or two or the whole thing, weeping and gnashing my teeth (rending of clothing discretionary) at the beauty of your work, before destroying the document, and the email, and my computer.

Then you are wrong.

Results tomorrow!

Your Humble and Obedient Servant,
B. Freret

Final Day of Competition!

2010-10-22T15:30:00.005-04:00

All good things must come to an end, and so does Boudreau's Birthday Bash Word Count Writing Contest. The final day is nigh (work that one into a sentence today, I dare you): competition ends at 11:59pm EST, Saturday. So send me your Word-compatible documents at or before midnight, Saturday, so I can identify and post the winner, and sing and perform a song in her/his honor. Oh, and get an address to ship the book(s).

So far as I can tell, everyone who is actually writing has, like, 8,000 words-ish so far, give or take. So the contest is still anybody's to win. Is that grammatically correct? Do I care?

Respectfully, I remain
B. Freret

Week One Standings - UPDATED

2010-10-16T22:34:00.005-04:00

Okay, as of late Saturday, the end of week one, here are the standings as reported to me (and, in the case of the last three listed, as I suspect until told otherwise):

Chris: 6,144
Julia: 5,508
Jenny: 3,500
Jo: 700
Dustin: Some number

Donna: No number
Rochelle: No number
Milton: No number

Remember, my friend is giving the prize to one of you - he isn't going to give it to himself*, even if he has the most words when the contest ends.

So, write. Then write some more. This is going to be close, and the prize is totally worth pushing yourself.

Respectfully, I am
B. Freret

* A touchy subject best left alone.

Winding Up Week One

2010-10-15T13:49:00.005-04:00

As the first week of Boudreau's Birthday Bash Word Count Writing Contest winds down, this seems like a great opportunity to beg everyone to please send me their total word counts so far.

Please send me your total words so far? Please? In a comment to this post, perhaps? Whatever it takes.

I'll post them here in a blog entry, so we can all see who is in the lead for first place and Todd Heldt's wonderful novel, Before You Were a Prophet. My friend, the contest organizer, has no small amount of anxiety that no one can see where everyone stands. There will be a winner, and at least one book (two, if the previous record is broken) will be mailed to one of you.

So, would everyone please provide me with their total number of words so far, so I can post the standings as of the close of week one?

Your Humble and obed't Serv't,
B. Freret

Boudreau's Birthday Bash Word Count Writing Contest Web Badge

2010-10-12T18:27:00.003-04:00

We have one, courtesy of Art Director Ben:

"Boudreau's Pipe of Rhetorical Grandiosity"

Competitors can now spread the word about their participation on blogs, websites, and Facebook pages!

You can follow Ben on twitter @bentoons
Thanks, Ben!

Respectfully, I remain,
B. Freret

During Day Two

2010-10-11T19:38:00.007-04:00

Jules is getting it done, with 3,542 words down on day one. Yes, that is a one day total. She wants to be like my friend when she grows up, a machine, and that is the way to do it. Now just do that every day, and you'll be untouchable! Really. No one will want near you. Shower somewhere in there, won't you? With soap.

Jenny's first day total of 2,165 words, if I remember correctly, has broken her total word count from last year for the entire two weeks, so kudos to her on this milestone. You'll note at her blog that she's shooting for 42K, no doubt to beat my remarkably good looking (and modest) friend's total from last year of 41 and change.

(Nicely posted to your blogs, you two. You both get cookies for following directions. Ahem.)

Jo has released, via Facebook, that she has 700-ish words thus far. But we all understand that poets are different- they have this thing about choosing the right words. And she is Canadian, so depending on the exchange rate, that is something like 900 words, American.

Everyone else? I don't know. Stay tuned.

About the author of the prize book(s), did I mention that Todd is a Pushcart nominee?

Humbly, I am
B. Freret

Go!

2010-10-10T00:01:00.001-04:00

Boudreau's Birthday Bash Word Count Writing Contest is on!

To recap the rules:

You may contribute to an existing project for the contest, but only the words you write during the contest period will count for the contest. If you finish a project, you may begin a second project.
The contest HAS COMMENCED, effective 12:01am EST 10/10/10, and will conclude at 11:59pm EST on 10/23/10.
You must post a running total word count daily at your blog / web site, so the other competitors can see where everyone stands.
You must email a single Word document containing all the words you've written, to me, before 12:00am EST 10/24/10. I will use Word to determine the total number of words in your document. I will then destroy the document, and the email, and if you'd like, my computer as well, unless you tell me in the body of the email that I may read the document, in which case I will likely read a page or two or the whole thing, weeping and gnashing my teeth (rending of clothing discretionary) at the beauty of your work, before destroying the document, and the email, and my computer.
You must wish me a happy birthday. It is today.

In addition to my friend, the lineup includes:

Jules
Rochelle
Donna
Milton
Chris
Emily
Jenny
Dustin (like Milton, no website, so we have to work something out to publish their daily totals in a way that everyone can easily access), and
Jo

I am honored and humbled to be associated with these people, and I know that great things will happen as a result of this process.

Respectfully,
B. Freret

One More Day to Join

2010-10-08T10:17:00.007-04:00

You have one more day to commit to Boudreau's Birthday Bash Word Count Writing Contest. It is a fact that people who train for anything (alcoholism and morbid obesity, even), accomplish more in groups. (This is a fact that I am not going to bother looking up.) It is also a fact that we are an amazingly resilient species (humans), and can push ourselves to do fantastic things for two weeks, without breaking anything or suffering any permanent (negative) consequences.

So here is the call: do yourself the favor of finding out what you can do. Push yourself harder than you would have otherwise, and see what happens. Don't think, just write. And for goodness sakes, don't edit, or diagram backstory, make character notebooks, create a fictional language, sketch characters, use the word "dystopian" (ever), or eat paste or chase butterflies or whatever the hell else people do to avoid writing.

Just write.

A lot.

As Charles De Mar said in Better Off Dead (1985), "Go that way, really fast. If something gets in your way, turn."

To the academics who have signed up, I have nothing to say for you: textbooks and dissertations and conference papers (oh my)? Yeah, I got nothing- chances are (?) you wouldn't be doing a lot of backstory, character notebooks, fictional languages, or sketches anyway. I think. So hey, eat paste, if that is what you do. Hit the Elmer's Buffet, if that gets you where you'd like to be in two weeks.

When my friend the writer did this last year, he was changed forever. For the better. So this is really all about sharing the love. The love, and finishing the first draft of his novel.

New Additions:

Dustin (like Milton, no website, so we'll work something out on publishing their daily totals), and
Jo

I'll post a final list of entrants, when the list is final.

Respectfully, I remain,
B. Freret

New Contestants; Trash Talk

2010-10-04T23:03:00.011-04:00

The competitor list for Boudreau's Birthday Word Count Challenge was looking lopsidedly academic: more professors with smartypants projects were signing on than fiction writers. That seems to be balancing out some with the addition of

and the trash talk has commenced, but you'll have to friend me on Facebook (if you haven't already) to witness that. Go check it out, I'll wait. It is between academics, which is really adorable. They're so cute when they try to talk smack!**

Of course, an academic cannot win the contest - they're unduly burdened with things like quality over quantity, and for this challenge, quantity is queen.

Speaking of quality, I previously gave incorrect links for two competitors: here are the correct links to their blogs:

Humbly, I am
B. Freret

* Technically, Anna said "no."
** If Van Winkle signs up, and he won't, this will have to be revised. He can persuasively throw down the smack talk.

Word Count Contest Update

2010-10-04T14:17:00.009-04:00

So far, the following superstars have stepped up to the plate, forks in hand, because I wasn't talking about that kind of plate:

Yes, I know - one of these things is not like the others.

There is room for more. Please see the rules, below, and go for it. What have you got to lose?

Your Humble and obed't Serv't,
B. Freret

Boudreau's Birthday Bash Word Count Writing Contest

2010-10-03T15:32:00.014-04:00

The title is a bit misleading, I'm afraid, because it isn't really my writing contest, but a friend of mine (who, unlike me, is a writer) has asked me to do this for him. Apparently he doesn't own or use a computer, and I am nothing if not accommodating. (It is, however, my birthday. Hence the title.)

So, here is the deal.

This is a word count contest: (s)he who writes the most words during the duration of the contest toward one single project shall be the winner. There will be a prize.

There are rules:

If, like my friend, you are nearing completion of a manuscript, you may work on it for the contest, but only the words you write during the contest period will count for the contest. If you finish, as my friend intends to, you may begin a second project.
The contest will commence at 12:01am EST 10/10/10, and conclude at 11:59pm EST on 10/23/10. My abacus suggests this is very nearly two weeks.
You must email me at bfreret@hotmail.com no later than 10/9/10 if you wish to participate.
You must post a running total word count daily at your blog / web site, so the other competitors can see where everyone stands.
You must email a single Word document containing all the words you've written, to me, before 12:00am EST 10/24/10. I will use Word to determine the total number of words in your document. I will then destroy the document, and the email, and if you'd like, my computer as well, unless you tell me in the body of the email that I may read the document, in which case I will likely read a page or two or the whole thing, weeping and gnashing my teeth (rending of clothing discretionary) at the beauty of your work, before destroying the document, and the email, and my computer.
There will be a prize. My friend who made up this contest is ineligible for the prize, which works out well for you, because he is an inhuman machine when it comes to generating gratuitous verbosity.
You must wish me a happy birthday. It is 10/10/10.

The prize is a new copy of Todd Heldt's novel, Before You Were a Prophet. (Todd Heldt is eligible for the contest, but not the prize.) I own a copy. I have read it. I think you should, too. (I am not sending you my copy, I will not part with it, so stop asking.)

In the stupendously unlikely event that the winner beats my friend's two week record of 41,301 words, then a bonus prize will be given in addition to Before You Were a Prophet. The bonus prize is Todd Heldt's recent collection of poems, Card Tricks for the Starving. I own a copy. I have read it. I think you should, too. (I am not parting with my copy, but let's be realistic, nobody is going to write more than 41,301 words, anyway, so I'm probably not going to have to buy a second copy to give to you.)

Right now, these are not signed copies, but if the winner would like, I will forge Todd's signature, along with a nice note about that time you shared together in Milan, inside the book(s).

If you have any questions, please email me. I will post the participants with links to their sites, and will post regular progress reports and questions / answers, here.

Humbly, I remain,
B. Freret

Me, reading my copy.

He Said "Dongle"

2010-10-01T09:35:00.004-04:00

This was just forwarded to me by a like-minded acquaintance. By reproducing it here, I am not condoning my acquaintance's use of the word "dongle" in a business letter.

***

Jeff Radke
Vice President of Sales
Sweetwater Music

Mr. Radke, my experience with Sweetwater Sales Engineer Eddie Tighe was extraordinary.

I dropped out of music from about 1990 - 2002, and a lot changed in gear sales during that time. You know, like the internet.

Since starting back in 2002, I've bought (and sold) a lot of gear (for a hobbyist, anyway), and have never had an experience like this one with Eddie. It was closer to what it used to feel like in the 80s, dealing with my local mom and pop shop. Except they were insufferable assholes. So really, it was more like what a mom and pop experience should have been.

I signed up for the Peavey Ampkit Link 'keep me updated on when this comes out' list at Peavey.com. My contact information must have been forwarded to Sweetwater, because Eddie contacted me shortly thereafter. He quickly answered some questions as best he could on what amps were included in the free and paid versions of the Ampkit app, and got back to me when he had more information. Every couple of weeks checked in with me, always friendly, never annoying or pushy. I really felt like he knew what he was doing, cared about my interest in this one $30 item, and was enjoying his job.

Sadly, how often is any of that the case, in any field?

I've known for a while that what I just experienced is Sweetwater's 'hook' - but I never thought it could be helpful to me. I mean, if you need to order a $10 Chinese cable, how good do you need to feel about that? Or even in this case, a $30 dongle? (I've always wanted to be able to say 'dongle' in correspondence.) But you know what? I'm thrilled with the purchase experience. Who couldn't use a little more kind, intelligent human interaction in their day?

I got what I wanted, at a great price, and felt good about the purchase. The purchase. Not just the item or the price, but the process of buying it, too. (I can tell you the last time I got warm fuzzies walking out of Guitar Center: NEVER.) So in my experience, Sweetwater is a win all around. Because of Eddie Tighe.

Thank you,
Name Withheld*

***

Though not a musician, I, too, have had similar dealings with Guitar Center - I once received a curious advert from them that baffles me to this day. I wrote about it here.

Well, with warm fuzzies in hand**, I remain

Humbly,
B. Freret

* Not his real name.
** I hope this is not a crude expression.

My First Demotivational Poster

2010-09-17T09:04:00.002-04:00

Legend of the Beeker

2010-09-15T21:01:00.003-04:00

Waiting for Pizza

2010-09-07T20:40:00.000-04:00

I ordered carry out pizza, paid, and sat on a bench near the counter to wait. Others were ahead of me.

One, a man about my age (but who had unsuccessfully tried to hide his gray hair with what looked like mahogany wood stain) was trying to engage a group of three fit young men.

I listened as the man slurred his words in lopsided conversation with the three boys. He was too loud, though not yet obnoxious, and the young men were as softspoken and polite as they were ridiculously fit. So softspoken, in fact, that if I hadn’t been watching, I would have thought the comfortably numb gentleman was talking to someone on the phone.

“Football, yeah? All three of you? Where? Is that a college around here? Oh, high school?! Really? Hey, I played football for Duke!”

At that, I laughed a little too loudly.

This caught his attention. He turned to me with raised brow, eyes widened, and the corners of his mouth turned slightly downward. He looked more hurt than offended, and I briefly wondered if his lip was going to quiver.

“What? What is it?” he asked softly.

I could not control the smile on my lips any more than I could halt what passed through them.

“Oh, nothing, really. It’s just that when I’ve been drinking, I tell people that I played for Duke, too.”

Heavier Things

2010-05-11T18:27:00.033-04:00

The past few months I’ve neglected to thank several very talented, very kind people who have been generous with their skills and attention, so this unusual post is going to catch up on several thank yous that I owe:

First, this portrait of me is an original work by the amazingly talented Bentoons. Thank you, Ben! Ben plays bass in Pain of Evolution. He will kick your ass at chess. I’m not 100% on this, but I think that the time he spent drawing this portrait satisfied the last of his community service hours, so I think he gets the anklet removed and is safe to be around again. According to the court. Maybe.

Second, thank you Keelia Paulsen for designing the breathtaking All Hail Boudreau T-Shirt, and thank you Emily Cleigh for coordinating an utterly undeserved photo shoot of beautiful people wearing them. Notwithstanding my friend John’s reaction that “man, there must not be anything to do in Des Moines,” you know there is, and that these people all had better ways to spend their time.

Third, please extend your sympathy to both Anne Riley and Anna Lefler, who each ran out of things to write about on their own blogs, so they interviewed me. Between the two, every detail about my entire life has now been revealed, but if, for whatever reason, you want to interview me, I am available. If your first name is no more than four letters long, and the first three are “A-n-n.”

Fourth, my thanks to Dr. Donna Souder and Dr. Katherine Frank of Colorado State University, Pueblo: to Dr. Souder for inviting me to meet and spend time with the amazing* CSU-P faculty and students, and Dr. Frank for allowing me to stay once she found out. (And props for not following through on that call to the P.P.D. – whew, we’ll all look back on that one day and laugh, won’t we? Won’t we? I owe you one, Dr. Frank!)

Finally, thanks to Emily Cleigh again, for sharing her experience with something I wrote at Fictionaut.

Consistent with the somber, appreciative mood of this post, I leave you with this audio – me doing “Dirty” Harry Callahan at the Improv. On helium.

Humbly, I remain,

B. Freret

* Nobody left the room through the whole thing- can you believe it?

Selected Excerpts from an Early Draft of Chuck Palahniuk's "Fight Club"

2010-04-30T14:01:00.005-04:00

A neighbor was kind enough to share notes from an early draft of Mr. Palahniuk's first novel Fight Club with me: I haven't read the published novel, but I have been meaning to watch the video. Maybe one afternoon next week, when I'm substitute teaching at my son's Kindergarten, I'll rent it and watch it with the kids.

For now, though, I'm passing these on - Mr. Palahniuk's style, at least in this draft, seems an eclectic mixture of high society, fashion, nerd culture, and humanitarian thoughtfulness. Amazing!

"Bob had rich fits."

"You have to consider the possibility that Karl does not like you... This is not the worst thing that can happen."

"On a long enough time line, the survival rate for everyone drops to, oh, say, 0.5 or so."

"The things you own end up owning you. Until Jay Leno wants them back."

"The first rule of Fight Heels is: you don't talk about Fight Heels."

"I'm so close to the end, and all I want is to play chess for the last time. I have Star Trek, and timers, and snacks..."

"3rd RULE: If someone says 'stop' or their cell phone rings, the fight is over. Unless they don't wanna take the call."

"Sticking feathers up your nose does not make you a chicken."

"6th rule of fight club: no shirts, no shoes, no service."

"Tyler was now involved in a class action lawsuit against the Pressman Hotel over the MSG content of their soup."

"7th RULE: Fights will go on as long as they have to. Or until Leno wants back in."

"Her name is Keelia Paulsen. Her name is Keelia Paulsen. Her name is Keelia Paulsen."

"8th RULE: If this is your first night at FIGHT CLUB, you HAVE to fight. Unless you've had a mani/pedi in the last 24."

"Like a donkey, ready to be shot into space. Space donkey! Ready to sacrifice himself for the greater good."

"You said that if anyone ever interferes with Project Golf Swing, even you, we gotta get his balls."

Reading David Sedaris

2010-03-05T13:41:00.004-05:00

The "Creative Writer" Blogger Award

2010-03-01T09:25:00.019-05:00

I've been tagged with (another) chain blog post award-doohickey-thingy! You know I'm all about following the rules, so here goes the "doing what I am supposed to" part:

1. Thank the person who gave this to you. (Thank you, John Ridge – I enjoy being tagged with these things a lot more than I probably should, and I'm flattered that you thought of me!)

2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog.

3. Link to the person who nominated you. (You should visit it, too – I love how John thinks and writes.)

4. Tell up to six outrageous lies about yourself, and at least one outrageous truth - or - switch it around and tell six outrageous truths and one outrageous lie.

5. Nominate seven "Creative Writers" who might have fun coming up with outrageous lies, or who have outrageous truths to share.

6. Post links to the seven blogs you nominate.

7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know you nominated them.

Now for the challenge - see if you can spot the true from the false:

1. I received my (first) Bachelor’s Degree when I was seventeen.

2. In 2000 or 2001, I walked past Kelly McGillis in an office hallway. Take My Breath Away was playing through the building's sound system. As we passed, Ms. McGillis sighed to her companion, "Am I ever going to get away from that song?"

3. My portrait, generously provided by bentoons, is a spot-on likeness, age progressed by (at least) twenty years. (Having this will be handy if I ever go missing: the authorities can simply put this picture on milk cartons and maybe someone will find me.)

4. I have a fan club in Des Moines, Iowa, composed of people more brilliant, talented, and hip than I'll ever be. I am grateful for these people and their fandom, and especially appreciate their questionable taste in writers.

5. I've seen Dokken perform. Twice. With Lynch. Maybe more, I can't say for sure because I don't remember.

6. Also in 2000 or 2001, I was on a very small plane with Leonardo DiCaprio. He was very kind to a young fan (not me) who was also on the flight, and I've admired him ever since. (DiCaprio, I mean.)

7. I think "Kentucky Fried Movie" and “Roadhouse” are two of the best films ever made.

And here are the poor friends I'm passing this challenge on to, in no particular order:

1. Anna Lefler

2. Carolyn Thériault

3. Donna Souder

4. Emily Cleigh

5. Anne Riley

6. Ali Eickholt

7. Jenny Preston

Thanks again, John!

Humbly, I remain,
B. Freret

See, I Think I am a Funny: Ligitimately!

2010-02-12T08:37:00.006-05:00

"Well, I'm not a critic, I'm just a worker.
So, I'm always grateful for anything the critics say - good or bad."

- Mandy Patinkin

I am somebody! I have progressed beyond inspiring indifference, and have my first critic who cared enough to share the following at an online forum for the game Advanced Squad Leader:

***

Well, I checked out the interview. Not a thing he states, does he do so  seriously. See, he thinks he is a funny. And I guess he is, a little bit. But  not enough that he's actually published anything...

Then I checked out  the guy's blog.

Seems he fancies himself a writer, and a humorist. Okay,  some of his stuff is cute. Ho-hum.

It dawned on me today that his comment  about Advanced Squad Leader was a commentary. He's making fun of us, basically.  My theory is that he found a forum (perhaps this one), probably lurked, is  fascinated by the whole internet forum dynamic, and soon learned about ASL's  reputation, about the reputation of ASL's followers, followed some of the  conversations, etc., etc. And in the interview, he's making fun.

The  joke, as I'm sure he sees it, is that basically nobody who reads the interview  will know what ASL is, and therefore it makes him seem just a little bit more  quirky.

This is all just my opinion, but I utterly do not believe that  anyone who studies the ASLRB and can talk intelligently about it, would not be  able to play the game. To an ASLer, that statement is simply absurd. To the  guy's two dozen fans, it would seem another example of the guy's quirkiness.  He's JOKING, folks. I seriously doubt he understands ASL at all.

I'm not  impressed, and frankly I don't expect to be hearing more about this guy in the  future. His writing is not that good; if it was, he'd be published. I mean  ligitimately published, not self-published or POD. I understand that getting  published requires a great deal of luck, but really. He's not THAT  good.

That's one of the problems with the internet: the dilution of  talent. We are saturated with mediocrity or sub-mediocrity, and there is no  motivation to edit or conduct proper research if all one does is "publish" on  the internet. Eventually, humans will figure it out, and come to realize that  just because something is on the internet does not mean it is any good or has  even minimum standards. I figure it will take about a generation. My current  batch of children, who are 8, 5, and 1, have grown up with the internet and have  never known otherwise. Their generation will be the one to figure out that  "internet" does not equal "authoritative".

Treadhead, Bloomfield Hills, MI

***

I am grateful and flattered, and appreciate the time and effort Mr. Treadhead put into this!

Your humble and obed’t Serv’t,
B. Freret

CAPTCHA of the Day

2010-02-03T09:33:00.005-05:00

An Embarrassment of Riches

2010-01-28T09:37:00.022-05:00

Dave Barry once said that writing is something journalists sometimes do when they aren't busy patting themselves on the back(s) and giving each other journalism awards. Or something to that effect.

So too, it seems, bloggers have taken to tagging one another Facebook-style with memes reminiscent of "25 Things About Me" and "Sexual Liasons I Had Intended on Keeping Secret But Then I Realized You'd Already Seen the Video," and I am honored to have been thrice tagged in the past week. Because if you know me, you know that there is nothing I enjoy so much as an opportunity to say "thrice" in a sentence. (Except, perhaps, "tertiary," which remains one of my favorite words, ever.)

First, Wendy (aka "Quillfeather") has bestowed upon me the Honest Scrap Award. Apparently, the Honest Scrap Award requires that I list ten things about myself, and then pass the award on to seven others. [Interesting to me is the fact that the ten things seem to carry no additional requirements: they don't have to be interesting, secret, or funny, and notwithstanding the name, I'm inferring that they don't even have to be factual. (Where was this sort of homework when I was in school?)]

The Honest Scrap Award does have a picture. I would tell you that it is a nice combination of a 1940's War Effort poster and a highway sign, but it would be easier (and more helpful) just to show you:

So, with that out of the way, here are my ten things:

I am happy that this is the Honest Scrap Award, and not the Honests Crap Award.
No, I do not really think that Honests Crap is grammatically correct.
I could be mistaken about #2.
Dave Barry once autographed a napkin for me, and called me his hero.
Sometimes I think he was being facetious.
Not always.
I think some words are inherently funny. Burlap, for example.
The statute of limitations has expired for every interesting thing I've ever done.
I once used "Plato’s Form for bosoms" in a sentence.
When discussing theoretical physics, I have, on more than one occasion, been accused of "rocking out with my Hawking out."

Next, the delightful Anne Riley gave me the Silver Lining Award, which I believe recognizes my ability to come up with five other blogs to pass it on to. I'm trying not to read too much into this award (does it infer that I suck, but there is a silver lining - like, for example, our puppy will still love me, no matter what?) and it, too, has a picture:

Finally, Christian Bell (who protests that he is not Emilio Estevez to the point of convincing that he is) has blessed me with the Circle of Friends Award, which, like the Silver Lining Award, requires that I pass it on to five others (and, to my relief, is in no way associated with fraternity members and a biscuit, like the punch line to a horrible joke that I cannot forget no matter how hard I try and will never be able to disassociate from the word "circle" in my scarred psyche).

Fear not, this one (the award, not the joke) also has a picture:

Due to the economy and global enviromental concerns, I am going to minimize the cost and the carbon footprint of this post by passing all three awards on to the following twelve worthy recipients:

Anna Lefler
Mylène Dressler
Carolyn Thériault
Katie McCullough
Jason Everett Morris
Harley May
Ryoma Collia-Suzuki (and Gina, they're a package deal)
Cynthia Reeser
Diana Grey Wyatt
Finnegan Flawnt
Eisley Jacobs
Amber Christensen

These blogs are all worth reading, as are the three who tagged me with these awards.

To continue the serious tone, I can think of no higher honor* than receiving peer recognition: in fact, Wendy, Anne, and Christian, it feels odd using the word "peer" because I look up to you and admire your work. So thank you for tagging me, it means more to me than I will admit in public.

Humbled, I remain
B. Freret

* This is not true. I think cash would be a higher honor.

Wonder Woman and the Lasso of Truth

2010-01-13T09:06:00.001-05:00

A little something I cracked myself up with at Fictionaut:

Wonder Woman and the Lasso of Truth

Respectfully,

B. Freret

Survival Guide for the Successful Use of Twitter

2009-12-11T09:59:00.009-05:00

In the spirit of fostering goodwill, I present these helpful tips on the successful use of Twitter:

1. Choose a unique photo for your Twitter account. I cannot stress this strongly enough: your followers will come to know you by this photo, and a unique photo will make it easier for them to skim through the timeline to ignore you. Or read your tweets. Whatever.

2. Use an attractive photo. If you are unattractive (ask yourself, "do small children run, screaming, at the sight of me?") use a photo of someone who is attractive. Preferably of the same (predominate) gender as you, but this is optional. [See also, @frankhinton.]

3. Tweet. You can’t create a Twitter account then tweet once every three weeks. This isn’t using Twitter, this is having an account and being a Twitter wallflower. No one will ever notice you this way: the timeline moves fast and gets busy in a hurry.

4. Make sure your tweets don’t suck. Like #1, this is critical. For example, chances are your followers will let it slide if you post one tweet about how you can’t get your toilet unclogged. But nobody wants to read your daily struggle with an overfull potty. [Buy a plunger and use less paper, by the way.]

5. Don’t be an ass. If you are, by nature, an incorrigible ass, ask yourself, “What would a polite, or even kind, person do under these circumstances?” and then pretend that you are polite, or even kind, and tweet accordingly.

6. If someone follows you, don’t immediately freak out. Read their tweets, and if they appeal to you – or you find them merely tolerable – follow them back. This is social media, not a bulletin board. (Celebrities, I’m looking at you.)

7. Find something complimentary to say to your new Twitter friends, on a regular basis. For example, you might want to tweet, “Hey, @taylorhicklen, are those new shoes? They look nice.” He'll likely appreciate the courtesy.

8. Never tweet with your mouth full. Trust me. You’ll see what I mean.

9. Every Friday, people recommend other people for their followers to follow. If you follow 1,427 people, and every single Friday, you recommend each and every single one of them, you lose credibility. We get that you like the people you follow, we assume that is why you follow them.

10. Sometimes, if you tweet something really witty or helpful or interesting, some of your followers may “retweet” your tweet: this lets their followers see what you said, and you get credited. This is an honor not to be abused. When you retweet something, take the time to make sure it doesn’t suck.

11. When @inkyelbows retweets one of your tweets, you’ll know you’re getting the hang of it. If she promotes something you've written - on your blog, for example - then you've made the big leagues.

This list is illustrative, and not exhaustive, and I hope you find these tidbits useful. If nothing else, I hope you’ll join me in saying “tidbits” aloud – tidbits. There, don’t you feel silly?

Your humble and obed’t Serv’t,
B. Freret

A Reading of "The Hunt"

2009-12-09T11:01:00.006-05:00

Someone was kind enough to email me this reading of my Metazen photo caption contest entry, "The Hunt."

I don't know what to say. I am honored that this is my 100th post. Thank you!

Humbled, I am
B. Freret

Amy Winehouse and Operation

2009-12-08T10:50:00.011-05:00

Upstairs in bed, with my ex boy,
he’s in the place, but I can't get joy,
thinking on you in the final throws,

this is when my buzzer goes

- Amy Winehouse, You Know I’m No Good

How unsettling would that be, if she actually buzzed upon fruition? Like a mechanical door buzzer from a bygone era, buzzzzzzzzzzzzing along until the fingertip, numb from pressing the black spring loaded Bakelite button, relents?

Yuck.

Nothing says sexy quite like the prospect of hopping into bed with a female variation of the Operation game patient, one that buzzes to indicate success rather than failure.

Actually, an Operation-type setup could prove useful for some, if not many, as a training tool: if a buzzer sounded when moving away from the target, she wouldn’t have to utilize the tried and true method of calling out, “You’re getting warmer! You’re getting warmer! Awww, now you’re getting colder...”

And maybe she then she wouldn't have to rely on Specialist cards, for do-overs.

Respectfully, I remain

B. Freret

Honorable Mention for "The Hunt"

2009-12-06T10:10:00.004-05:00

The Hunt, my Metazen photo caption contest entry, was honored with a "Notable Entry" designation!

The winning entry was penned by my new friend Finnegan Flawnt, the other entries of note by Nora Nadjarian, Ani Boghossian, Cyn Kuhn, and Matthew Hamilton: I am, at least in this regard, in good company, and I am honored.

Humbly, I remain,
B. Freret

Guest Post: Thomas Riley & The Steampunk Twist

2009-11-24T09:19:00.002-05:00

I am honored to present a guest post from my friend Nick. -BF

First off, a huge thank you to B for letting me come here and guest blog today. It’s been an amazing blog tour and I owe it all to wonderful people such as Boudreau. My name is Nick Valentino, and I’m currently on a blog tour in support of my first steampunk novel called Thomas Riley.

Some of you are probably thinking, “What the heck is steampunk?” Don’t worry you’re not alone. Steampunk is a relatively new genre that deals in alternative history. Oh! Hold on, keep reading. I know that seems a bit dry but here’s the twist. Steampunk is usually set in Victorian times but the world is very different. Huge leaps in technology have sparked a new scientific boom centered around, you guessed it, steam. Everything is powered by steam, science, alchemy and black powder. Forget the normal fossil fuels and electricity we’re used to, just about everything is steam. So in turn, there are massive dirigibles flying through the sky. Everyone wants to be a scientist, inventor or airship crewmember. But beware; where you have heavy air traffic you also have sky pirates, greedy privateers and a host of surly yet innovative Victorian characters. Here’s how I like to think of it, Chill 1 part Jules Verne, mix with two parts Indiana Jones, add a mixer of H.G. Wells and for flavor, add a twist of Frankenstein.

Thomas Riley is a steampunk adventure filled with airships, clockwork inventions and swashbuckling action a plenty. Here’s the back cover blurb.

For more than twenty years West Canvia and Lemuria have been at war. From the safety of his laboratory, weapons designer Thomas Riley has cleverly and proudly empowered the West Canvian forces. But when a risky alchemy experiment goes horribly wrong, Thomas and his wily assistant Cynthia Bassett are thrust onto the front lines of battle and forced into shaky alliances with murderous sky pirates in a deadly race to kidnap the only man who can undo the damage: the mad genius behind Lemuria's cunning armaments.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Find out more at:

http://www.sirthomasriley.com/

You can purchase signed copies at:

http://thomasriley.bigcartel.com/

http://www.echelonpress.com

and Amazon

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Riley-Nick-Valentino/dp/1590807006/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1257259385&sr=1-1

Like a Boy

2009-11-19T21:45:00.003-05:00

Entry for a contest at Metazen – Image to Text Conversion Experiment.
Picture by Metazen – an online metafiction journal edited by Frank Hinton.

Like a Boy

For as long as she could remember, her father had tried to conceal his disappointment that she was a daughter and not a son. She knew that he had loved her as best he could, but just like his effort to hide his disappointment, he did not convince. So, dressed like a boy, she relieved herself upright like a boy, then stepped away from his grave and turned her back on him for good.

The Hunt

2009-11-19T21:37:00.005-05:00

Entry for a contest at Metazen – Image to Text Conversion Experiment.
Picture by Metazen – an online metafiction journal edited by Frank Hinton.

The Hunt

I lost the scent in last night's snowfall, but I still hear him out there, so I know which direction to head when this wretched excuse for a planet is once again (mercifully, I say) hidden in darkness. I am no longer nervous, uncertain, and I am not afraid: I feel calm, almost at peace, if I feel anything at all. If not tonight, then tomorrow night, if not tomorrow night, then the next, it does not matter, the outcome is inevitable: I will find the Wampa, I will kill him, and I will avenge my father's death.

Why I Will Never Submit to Cracked.com

2009-11-16T22:21:00.004-05:00

I have a holiday piece that is Cracked-esque, but ran across this gem in their "Submission Agreement":

3. You hereby agree to indemnify, defend and hold harmless CRACKED, and its subsidiaries, affiliates, successors and assigns, from and against any and all claims, demands, expenses, losses or liabilities including but not limited to reasonable attorney's fees and punitive damages that may be asserted against or incurred by CRACKED at any time in connection with the Submission, or any use thereof, including, without limitation, those arising from any breach, or alleged breach, of the warranties, representations and promises provided by you to CRACKED.

Uhhhh.... no.

Not that they would have accepted my piece for use, but my point is this: I'll never submit to them, simply because I'm not a big fan of indemnification agreements.

Your humble and obed’t Serv’t,
B. Freret

Admonitions I've Unsuccessfully Tried to Shout Out the Car Window, Part I

2009-10-23T09:28:00.009-04:00

"While I appreciate that you’ve stopped in the middle of the street to encourage that truck waiting at the intersection to turn out in front of you by waiving frantically at the driver, as the car immediately behind you, I couldn’t help but notice that our light is green (so, presumably, his red light will eventually turn green as well, eliminating the need for such a selfless gesture of kindness on your part) and while I cannot speak for any driver other than myself, I personally believe that your obligations with respect to the right of way are greater to the fifteen cars behind you who are presently avoiding rear ending one another because you’ve stopped for no reason at a green light."

Inventing a Twitter Hashtag: Awesome Things for Sociopaths

2009-10-18T22:45:00.008-04:00

I follow Kurt's 1000 Awesome Things on Twitter, for good reason: they often make me smile. Warm fuzzies ensue.

But it dawned on me that the awesome things are all biased toward feel-good items that make reasonably normal people smile.

So what if you're an ass?

Would, say, Niccolo Machiavelli think the same things are awesome that you or I or 1000 Awesome Things would?

I don't think so.

So I created my own hashtag: #MachiavellianAwesome. Some highlights include:

Being armed before all else.
Conferring benefits gradually, so they will taste better.
Doing injury to a man so severe that his vengeance need not be feared.
Deceiving the deceiver.
Being feared rather than being loved.
Having legitimate reasons to break ones promise.

Don't sociopaths need a reason to smile, too?

Respectfully, I remain,
Boudreau Freret

Obama Receives Awards While America Slept

2009-10-09T08:51:00.007-04:00

President Barack Obama made history early Friday, winning several awards while most Americans were still asleep, including the Nobel Prize for Peace.

The Norwegian Nobel Committee recognized Obama's work to address a number of issues considered significant to the world, including working toward the eradication of nuclear weapons.

"Only very rarely has a person to the same extent as Obama captured the world's attention and given its people hope for a better future," the Committee said. The announcement Friday from Oslo, Norway, came as a surprise - Obama had not previously been mentioned as being considered for the honor.

"His diplomacy is founded in the concept that those who are to lead the world must do so on the basis of values and attitudes that are shared by the majority of the world's population," the Committee said.

An Obama administration official said when the president was told he had won, the President said he was humbled to be chosen.

The announcement was not met with universal praise.

De facto Republican National Committee Chair Rush Reed issued a statement just after the Committee's announcement which read, in part, "[T]his is exactly what we've been saying all along - Obama is not one of us, he is more interested in bowing down to 'international interests' and 'matters of global significance, to the whole of humanity' than he is in serving Americans and Traditional American Values(TM).... [W]e fully expect impeachment proceedings to commence in the House early next week."

In addition to the Nobel Prize for Peace, Obama received several other unexpected accolades late Thursday night and early Friday, including:

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced that Obama would receive an Oscar for Best Male Performance in a Leading Role.
Good Housekeeping Research Institute issued a statement that Obama had been awarded their coveted Seal of Approval.
The Insurance Institute for Highway Safety held a press conference to disclose that Obama received the highest crashworthiness rating, Five Stars, in every category tested.
The Heisman Trust announced Obama the winner of a special Heisman Memorial Trophy.

Finally, an overwhelmed Obama is reported to have awarded himself the Presidential Medal of Freedom during breakfast.

Humbly, I remain,
Boudreau Freret

Boski

2009-09-30T14:50:00.002-04:00

I remember all my life
Raining down as cold as ice
A shadow of a man
A face through a window
Crying in the night
The night goes into

Morning, just another day
Happy people pass my way
Looking in their eyes
I see a memory
I never realized
you made me so happy, oh Boski

Well you came and you gave without taking
but then you went away, oh Boski
well you called me a genius and stopped me from shaking
I need you today, oh Boski

I'm standing on the edge of time
I walked away when genius was mine
Caught up in a world of uphill climbing
The tears are in my mind
And nothing is rhyming, oh Boski

Well you came and you gave without taking
but then you went away, oh Boski
well you called me a genius and stopped me from shaking
And I need you today, oh Boski

Yesterday's a dream I face the morning
Crying on the breeze
the pain is calling, oh Boski

Well you came and you gave without taking
but then you went away, oh Boski
well you called me a genius and stopped me from shaking
And I need you today, oh Boski

(Apologies to B. Manilow)

Writing Prompt Wednesday 5

2009-09-30T13:14:00.005-04:00

Today's Writing Prompt Wednesday submission came to me by way of happy accident: I found this scrawled on a napkin while clearing a table for lunch. I think it Williams-esque, and am thrilled to be able to share my find!

***

"He's doin what!?" she shrieked as she opened the door enough to yell out back.

"Damn you, Earl, we're in town now," she scolded. "And indoor plumbing means you don’t have to leave the house to relieve yourself."

"Yeah. I know that," he hollered without interrupting the task at hand.

"Don't have to," he grumbled. "Do it 'cause I wont to, thas all."

***

Humbly, I am
Boudreau Freret

Writing Prompt Wednesday IV: A New Hope

2009-09-23T10:28:00.012-04:00

Today's Writing Prompt Wednesday entry, my fourth, violates the letter and spirit of the rules.* Just so you know.

I present the following first-draft excerpt from a work in-progress:

***

Alteram was back onboard, sitting at the technical console, the round high table that wouldn't catch a second glance if relocated to an Earth coffeehouse. It looked like something out of an Ikea catalog. The same console that he had worked at all night during the trip home.

He had not doubted that his theory was sound, but he was thrilled to have been able to implement the changes, however minor compared to the overall task, on the fly. (The pun, mercifully, was lost on him.) The fact that those initial tweaks were already tested and proven to work only helped him push forward now.

He needed the boost. This second phase was not going as well as the first. It wasn't going well at all.

Above the surface of the console/table and immediately to Alteram's left, a holographic schematic was suspended in the air, this time motionless, with line after line after line of words hovering to the rear, blurry. To his right, also floating above the surface of the console/table, two inch tall red numbers flashed on and off.

00:00. Off. 00:00. Off.

Behind the numbers, a marble-sized Earth image hung in a three dimensional grid of lines no wider than human hairs, and rotated slowly, but faster than real time.

00:00. Off. 00:00. Off. As they flashed, he thought he could hear them taunt him.

Failure. Off. Failure. Off.

Alteram sighed, his shoulders slumped.

At last he turned his head slightly toward the schematic, and as he did the blurry words moved through space from behind the diagram to the forefront, and sharpened until legible.

The lines of text scrolled down a little, seemingly on their own, then paused before scrolling up, several “pages” back, faster and faster, as if a virtual roll of microfilm was turning somewhere, and only the data displayed.

When he found the section he wanted, Alteram began to read. Again. He could have written it all himself at this point, word for word, from memory. His own memory, even.

He came to a line that, this time, made him sit a little straighter, if not exactly up. Not quickly, he didn't cry out his species' version of “Eureka!” and no lightbulb appeared above his head, but he needed to find something – would have settled for anything – to help him break through the wall he'd been banging his head into the past few hours. He'd looked at it all so many times, that all the likely, logical solutions had been considered and were used up, and he was now considering the unlikely and the illogical possibilities. Maybe this one was it. Or would, he hoped, at least move him forward.

The schematic moved to the front again and took focus, then zoomed in to one section. Alteram watched circuits move, flip, invert, then reconnect, as he willed this visualization of the ship's gravity manipulation system to reconfigure itself. Satisfied with the modifications, he turned his attention to the Earth and grid to his right. The numbers turned green and now read 01:00, then moved to the background, making way for the Earth-grid to come forward and take center stage.

Alteram crossed two fingers

what was that about?

then began the simulation.

The numbers started to count down as one intersection of grid lines – the intersection furthest away from the Earth in the hologram – began to bend, to point and push toward the earth. The lines came together, focused into a sharp point, stretched by an unseen force – like a sharpened pencil pressed to fabric, as if to pierce it – gathering other grid lines along the way, as the point stretched closer, closer, closer to the planet, until it was just about to touch the surface

00:00. Off. 00:00. Off.

The numbers, again red, took their place, front and center. The pointed lines had not reached the Earth before the timer reached zero.

Again.

Alteram grunted. And slumped.

Again.

Failure. Off. Failure. Off.

It was possible, he knew it. He could – would – find a way to make it happen. Ethan had agreed to leave the Earth on the condition that Alteram could bend time, that Alteram could have him home almost the instant after they'd left. Alteram promised that he could, and he was going to keep his promise. He knew it could be done, he was just overlooking something, missing something. He had to figure out what it was. Quickly.

He turned back to the diagram and text, and started over.

***

Humbled, I am
Boudreau Freret

* The WPW rules say, in part:

1. Find something... online... that's been published in the past week or so, and pick a quote from it.
2. Use the quote as a prompt and write something...

I wrote something, then found something online, not published in the past week or so, and fit what I found into what I'd already written. So while I may be a fraud, it cannot be said that I am a dishonest one.

Writing Prompt Wednesday, III

2009-09-16T20:44:00.012-04:00

With continued apologies to the originator of Writing Prompt Wednesday, I offer this as my third entry.

I recall reading part of an interview with Jack White years ago where he discussed his relationship with his plastic-ish, piece of crap, Montgomery-Ward Airline guitar.

Regardless of what words were actually on the page, the way I remember it, Jack explained that one reason he loved that particular guitar so much was because it was crap, and so he had to wrest every note from it by force.

"I figure I ought to have to work hard at it," he said. "I have to earn whatever comes out, and if I earn it, I own it."

I don't know if such an article exists, or if he ever said anything like what I remember. The more I think about it, I'm pretty sure I made most of this up.

Doesn't matter. I thought about what Jack White (may have) said today as I passed the 8,000 word mark in the Word Count Challenge.

You see, my writing laptop is old. Really old. And slow. It has a painfully small screen and keyboard, and not all of the keys work, particularly the "k". For some reason (likely related to self-loathing), I run Linux on my writing laptop, so I'm writing in OpenOffice, which I otherwise don't use everyday. In fact, I don't use it very much at all. So naturally I think it sucks.

Whatever the redeeming qualities of Linux and OpenOffice, this is not a task for mere mortals. Nay, not even a task for those slightly leaning towards immortal.

This is a task for someone unwell.

Yet someone who, when done, will have earned every word, and will own them.

Respectfully, I am
Boudreau Freret

Word Count Contest

2009-09-14T09:12:00.004-04:00

There are many valid reasons why one should not drink and surf the interwebs. This is one good example.

I might have entered myself in a contest among real writers to see who can generate the highest word count over a two week period. Contest details, as well as pre-contest psychological warfare, can be found here.

The other contestants are not only real writers, they are educated, and appear to be dear friends.

I might be hosed.

Fortunately, I'll hold off the grovelling and begging for mercy a little while: I pride myself on being quite the cunning linguist, and can safely say that even at this early hour, I have this contest in the bag.

Midnight came hours earlier here than where the other contestants reside, and as of this morning, thanks to my friends copy and paste, I already have in excess of 17,280 words. (Of which ten are unique!)

So, I humbly and respectfully offer the following good-natured encouragement to the other, smartypants, contestants: neener neener neener!

Your humble and obed’t Serv’t,
B. Freret

Why You've Been Unfriended

2009-09-10T14:42:00.001-04:00

I know that not everyone shares the same religious or political views. In fact, as difficult as this can be sometimes, I celebrate our differences, and I strive to respect views that are not my own.

I will not, however, celebrate with you what appears to be an unwillingness (or inability) to appreciate that unilateral political evangelizing is not discourse and is not dialog.

The initial (yet critical) distinctions between us, therefore, appear to be:

1. I respect that your views are your views, even if you do not respect mine.
2. I will listen (quietly, since that is what “listen” means) to your views, even if you will not listen to mine.

Therefore, once I’ve listened long enough that you seem to be repeating yourself (yet show no indicia of wrapping up, or of readying to pass the podium in order to hear my views), and have intermittently paused only long enough to inquire as to whether I now see things as you do, before lapsing back into the same angry diatribe, please hear at least this:

While I celebrate our differences, and strive to respect your views, I am unwilling to be your captive audience in perpetuity. That is what I mean when I say that I will not celebrate your evangelizing with you.

If, at some point in the future, you, too, grow weary of your soliloquy and would consider listening for a few precious moments, so that we might begin reasonable discourse, please let me know.

Respectfully, I am
Boudreau Freret

More Writing Prompt Wednesday

2009-09-02T09:51:00.017-04:00

This is my second offering to the Writing Prompt Wednesday Goddess. If you're a real person and continue reading, I apologize, and hope you seek professional assistance.

***

The meds were working. I hadn’t had an episode in over six months.

Weeks ago, I emerged from my self-imposed exile and began to take long walks in the city, wallowing in the cacophony of sound and smell, without so much as a hint that I was going to transform.

I knew that I was not free of Hulk, but for the first time, I began to believe that he – that I – might be under control.

I desperately wanted Samantha to understand that I wasn’t the same creature who’d gone to prison. So much so that I brought her to see Dora "Live" at Radio City--which is to throw oneself into a Skittle scented mosh pit filled with thousands and thousands of screaming kids and their mothers.

Sam was reluctant, not just because neither of us had kids (and I had to agree with her that it was unusual for us - a couple of 28 year olds - to attend without a child), but because the potential for disaster was so great.

What if...?

But it went well. Not the show – the show was horrid – but I did not transform.

Sam now believes, as I do, that I am under control. We’re going shopping together this Friday – “Black Friday.” If I successfully make it to lunch, I’m going to give her the ring.

***

Humbled, I am
Boudreau Freret

Writing Prompt Wednesday

2009-08-26T13:16:00.005-04:00

Per fantastic blog Dancing With the Dwende, I submit the following:

***

“Get the fuck outta here!”

“Dude, I’m totally serious, here – look,” Jeff said, handing over the cover letter.

Thomas, still doubting, took it and began to read out loud.

“'Words cannot express my gratitude for your assistance in reuniting me with this automobile. But the reward can. Therefore, enclosed please find check #6278 made payable to you in the amount of TWO HUNDRED FIFTY THOUSAND and NO/100 DOLLARS ($250,000.00)…'”

Tom’s eyes opened wider and wider as he read faster and faster, the pitch of his voice ascending, until he sounded like one of the Chipmunks, “'… the car will be displayed at the company headquarters in Louisville, replacing a replica I commissioned while I searched'… DUDE, NO FUCKING WAY!” He briefly moved as if to hug Jeff, thought better of it, and hit him in the shoulder instead. Hard.

“Yeah, crazy, isn’t it? I deposited the check this morning. I still can’t believe it, either.”

“Man, that is AWESOME! What are you going to buy first?”

“Well,” Jeff paused, his face turning serious. Tom could tell something he’d regret was about to happen.

“I was thinking,” Jeff went on, “that you might be interested in five grand.”

“For doing what?” Tom quietly asked, all traces of excitement now gone from his face.

“For stealing the car, so we can help the sonofabitch recover it, and collect the reward.”

***

Respectfully, I remain,
B. Freret

A STURDY Chair?

2009-08-10T23:09:00.007-04:00

Men's Health has provided a helpful list of "41 Ways to Make a Woman Swoon."

Assuming they mean ways for me to make my woman swoon, I am pissed.

Take a second, P.R., please, to read (at least) the first dozen, then come back.

"A sturdy chair"? Really, Men's Health, a sturdy chair? Overlooking that #12 doesn't really describe a "romantic gesture" but rather simply a sex act*, are you sure about the STURDY chair part?

Did you think that though, first?

Man, Men's Health, you better hope I don't run into you at a party or anything, because I might just have to kick your ass.

Sincerely, I am
B. Freret

* Though not particularly prudish, I must ask, how helpful is it to your target audience to list sex acts among "ways to make her swoon"? Why not, then, simply have a list of two items:

1. Do it.
2. Be Brad Pitt, whilst doing it.

Not very helpful, is it, unless Brad actually reads Men's Health? (And even then, I'm pretty sure that he KNOWS to do it without your damn list.)

Regardless, in a collection of "romantic gestures" ostensibly designed to "make her swoon," is it really helpful to recommend cunnilingus? Gee, you think?

Stock Photos Gone Wild

2009-07-20T09:27:00.006-04:00

"Dear Art Department,

The latest revision looks great - the elements are well balanced and we love the way it flows - but we think using this stock photo of the girls isn't the best idea.

Didn't we agree at the last meeting to stop using the Fellatio Library? Remember, the client notes specify North American distribution only, not European. You did a great job of placing the image of the microphone and stand, there aren't any visible remnants of the, uh, fellatee (unlike the Kraft Mac & Cheese ad that unfortunately wound up in January's Better Homes and Gardens), but still, either find a shot of women actually singing, or (as a last resort) have Dave shoot what we need.

Thanks!"

Click it. It gets bigger.

Strangest Fortune Cookie Ever

2009-06-16T16:36:00.002-04:00

Good advice, though.

Respectfully, I remain
B. Freret

Blissful Realizations

2009-06-05T23:29:00.004-04:00

How vividly do you remember what it felt like to wake up, just a little, very early in the morning, before the alarm, only to realize that it was Saturday?

With that realization you understood that the alarm was not set. It would not disturb you. There was no school. You didn’t have to be anywhere. You didn’t even have to get up at all if you didn’t want to.

The world was your oyster.

And with a peaceful grin on your face or in your heart (or both), you slipped back into carefree dreamland, the absolute sleep of innocents. (Or innocence, if that makes you feel better, though it is not what I intended. I’ll accommodate.)

Maybe you don’t have to remember what those Saturday mornings were like because you still experience them, with work, or school again, or whatever it is that you do that gives you relief when you realize you don’t have to do it on your day off.

I don’t think I’ve had one of those mornings in years, though, and while I recall this childhood experience vividly and fondly, I cannot say that I miss it any more than I could honestly say that I miss anything about my childhood.

It was, at times wonderful and others not so much, and now this is.

If there is an adult equivalent of that simple blissful realization for me, surely it must be what I experienced just a few minutes ago. A little set up is necessary to make the connection.

When awake, I tend to exist in one of two repeating physiological cycles: I am either thinking about eating, or I am eating. Sometimes, I confess, these two states overlap. I have been known to plot (and discuss, at length) my next meal while I’m not technically, in a literal sense, finished consuming my current meal.

(It is not lost on me that this trait occurs elsewhere in nature, and even in other mammals, though usually small, furry, excitable ones. Squirrels and chipmunks and the like. Honestly, so long as my metabolism to size ratio was comparable to my rodent counterparts, I did not mind the analogy, much, though it concerns me more now that my metabolism has slowed but my feeding cycle has not. But I’m off topic, and for that I apologize.)

Inevitably, late at night I find myself scrounging for something to eat. Not dinner, because I wouldn’t go without dinner to begin with, and chances are good that by eleven at night or so I’ve already had dinner. And second dinner.

So what I’m talking about is the proverbial midnight snack, and the requisite late night hunt for something to eat that is both satisfying and appropriate for consumption just before bed. (Let’s pretend, please, that there is such a thing.)

But frequently it is difficult to find something suitable. (And becoming more difficult as more people live under the same roof, and these people get taller and taller every year.)

Most of the time, it is impossible, and I end up falling back on some item that I knew we had all along, though I had hoped to find something better. Perhaps you are familiar with the ritual I follow: you know what is on hand and what is not, yet that knowledge doesn’t keep you from spending fifteen minutes scouring the backs of every cabinet, the refrigerator, the pantry, the freezer, then every cabinet again.

Always in vain.

Almost.

Because sometimes, so very rarely, you find something that you didn’t know was there.

Like I just did.

Something not just suitable for a midnight snack, not even just suitable and satisfying, but suitable and satisfying and exciting, too.

Something that makes you so happy that you involuntarily cry out in joy (if we can agree that by “you” I mean “I” or “me,” as appropriate), which then forces you to hesitate a moment – just long enough to attempt to convince your wife, who is halfway across the house and understandably alarmed by your outburst, that no, that wasn’t you who just squealed like a six year old girl – before gleefully devouring your find.

And with a peaceful grin on your face, or in your heart or stomach, or all three, you finish your prize and prepare to slip into carefree dreamland.

Your humble, obed’t, and satiated Serv’t,
B. Freret

Haiku for Spring

2009-03-24T22:12:00.007-04:00

This was just forwarded to me, and I am so excited by the sights and sounds and smells of spring invoked that I have to pass it on:

hateful spring goldfish
vacant stare, slack jawed, pooping -
just pinch that thing off

I am without words - breathless - at the artistry!

Respectfully I remain,
B. Freret

Notable Exceptions to C. Odbody’s Assertion “No Man is a Failure Who Has Friends.”

2009-03-20T13:17:00.010-04:00

After a lifetime of taking Clarence Odbody’s famous inscription as true, a number of exceptions* dawned on me in the shower this morning, including:

Thomas Andrews
Adolf Hitler
Mary Mallon
Richard Nixon / George W. Bush
Jim Jones / David Koresh / Marshall Applewhite
Guglielmo and Bonanno Pisano (or Diotisalvi. Depending.)
Samuel Langley
Pope Paul V / Cardinal Bellarmine

This epiphany has forced me to reevaluate my own sense of success, and I am not pleased.

Your humble and obed’t Serv’t,
B. Freret

* This list is intended to be illustrative and not exhaustive, and assumes that Mr. Odbody intended gender neutrality.

The Author's Checklist

2009-03-13T10:58:00.008-04:00

Upon reading this, a friend was kind enough to forward me a checklist intended to assist aspiring writers. Thank you! I am reproducing it here for S.D.’s benefit:

Author’s Checklist

Pens, pencils (and erasers), highlighters
Paper (assorted blank pads and loose-leaf paper as well as accumulated notebooks of scribbled snippets)
Computer (with word processor) and printer
Reference Materials
Suitable working environment
Designated work time / schedule
Coffee (or tea)
Cat(s)
Music (optional)
Alcoholism / chemical dependency (active or in recovery)
Neuroses (including, at the very least, narcissism and self loathing)
Skittles

Again, thank you, and S.D. I hope that you find this useful!

Your humble and obed’t Serv’t,
B. Freret

An Open Letter to the Owner of the New Cadillac with a “CONSERVATIVE IN EXILE” Bumper Sticker

2009-03-12T09:51:00.005-04:00

I couldn’t help but notice that you appear to be in your homeland.

(Perhaps you misunderstand the meaning of the word exile? Or perhaps you’re a foreign national, and simply look like a puffy old white man from Ohio?)

Regardless, drive on, sir!

Your humble and obed’t Serv’t,
B. Freret

Random Act of Kindness

2009-02-26T12:59:00.008-05:00

I had the pleasure of being able to do a good deed today, and I can’t keep quiet about it. I know I should, but I just have to share. Please forgive my vanity.

During my lunch break, I dropped off some parcels at the Post Office and was approached by an elderly woman. Obviously in moderate distress, she held out a handwritten note, as if to give it to me.

“Excuse me,” she began, “I’m trying to find this business, and I’ve driven all over but just can’t seem to find the address.” She handed me the note.

She was much closer to her destination than she realized: the building was less than a quarter of a mile from the Post Office. I asked her to walk outside with me, so I could point out the exact building to her as I told her where to go, where to turn to enter the parking lot, etc. I thought it might be helpful to assure her that with all the new construction in the area, we all find ourselves getting a bit turned around from time to time, and frequently have to backtrack or call for further directions. This seemed to have the desired effect of calming her concerns.

I turned back to her after telling her where to go, and the look on her face immediately told me that “exit the Post Office parking lot there [pointing], turn left and proceed to that traffic light [pointing], go left again and immediately enter the parking lot on your right [pointing]” had been lost on her. She looked confused and more alarmed than before.

Unable to simplify the blatantly obvious any further than I’d already done, and having a few minutes available, I politely (and I think generously) offered to show her.

“Would you like to follow me over there in your car?”

Her face lit up, “Oh, could I? That would be so kind of you!”

I got into my car and waited for her to pull up behind me. We arrived at her destination in less time than it has taken you to read this far.

I smiled and waved to her as I began to exit the parking lot, and she walked over to shake my hand through my open passenger window.

“Thank you so much!” she said, her elation quickly turning into a frown as she looked away. “I just hope I can find my way back out of here...”

At that moment I realized what had to be done, so I called 911 and had her detained for a competency evaluation. So long as this woman was loose on the streets, driving at will, I felt she posed a danger to herself and others sufficient to justify involuntary commitment.

There it is – my good deed! One less crazy old bat behind the wheel. At least for the next 72 hours.

You’re welcome!

Your humble servant,
B. Freret

Dr. Souder’s Paper Grading Comment Bank

2009-02-12T16:22:00.007-05:00

My oldest is in his second semester of college, and was kind enough to forward these actual comments made on English papers last semester:

“Great improvement – at times almost understandable”

“Nearly magnificent: you just need some creativity and skill”

“It is ‘Suki,’ not ‘Sucky’”

“I agree that ‘Vagina Whisperer’ would be a great sequel to ‘Vagina Monologues,’ but don’t stray from your original theme”

“Once again – it is nuclear [noo-klee-er]”

"You can't handle the truth"

“Mr. Strunk and Mr. White would be appalled”

“I believe you meant ‘pissy’ not ‘pithy,’ but I underthand the mithtake”

“Try using ‘scrotum’ in place of ‘nutsack’”

“Conceivable that this is the work of a bipedal hominid”

“Let me say this in a way that you will understand: your failing”

“I know that you are from Ohio, but have you ever considered taking an ESL course?”

“He was born in Orel, Russia, not Oral”

“For the last time, Ms. Hilton, your films are not literature”

“While the ‘DaVinci’ font may be a legitimate stylistic choice, I am unwilling to use a mirror to grade your paper”

“Better, but next time try not to be such an imbecile”

“Is this the product of small animals scampering across a computer keyboard?”

Respectfully, I remain
B. Freret

Frank Ferri Sets Internet Writing Record

2009-01-27T15:56:00.005-05:00

Frank Ferri, a real person, was published today not just at McSweeney's but also Yankee Pot Roast.

Both. Two different pieces. The same day.

Read. Laugh. Spew coffee out your nose, covering that new LCD monitor. Send Frank a bill for the damage.

Genius.

Your Humble and Obedient Servant,
B. Freret

Chapters Conspicuously Absent from Les Stroud’s New Book

2009-01-08T10:32:00.013-05:00

Chapters Conspicuously Absent from Survive! Essential Skills and Tactics to Get You Out of Anywhere - Alive by Les Stroud, Collins, 2008. (ISBN 0061373516)

1. Bad Dates

2. Jails and Prisons (Local, National, and Foreign)

3. Mother-in-Law Visits

4. Debt

5. Prolonged Military Engagement in Southeast Asia

6. Zombie and/or Robot Apocalypse

7. Dry Spells (Drought)

8. NCIC

9. Paternity and/or DNA Testing

10. Traffic Stops

11. Dry Spells (Involuntary Celibacy)

12. Weddings and Marriage

13. Employment

14. Prolonged Military Engagement in Iraq

15. Conversations About “Feelings” and “Taking this Relationship to the Next Level”

16. Trouble, Not Otherwise Specified

17. Ohio

18. Terminal Illness

Otherwise this book is a handy reference.

Humbly I remain,
B. Freret

Who Knew III: "Shopping in a Dinner Wonderland"

2008-12-11T16:03:00.004-05:00

Who knew that "Dinner Wonderland" and "entrees in #10 Cans" could be used together to describe human food?

"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." Inigo Montoya

Humbly I remain,
B. Freret

Holiday Hiatus

2008-12-04T20:36:00.002-05:00

With my apologies, I’ll be on a brief hiatus the next few days, as the Mrs. and I spend the rest of her recent windfall*.

Rest assured, I’ll be back soon.

Humbly, I remain,
B. Freret

* An unexpected settlement check from a famous musical artist (I am not at liberty under the terms of the settlement to disclose his name, suffice it to say that if he had a Dick at the end, he’d be the title of a Melville novel) who apparently used samples of audio recorded during the birth of our third child in one of his hit songs without first securing the rights to same.

Ernest T. Bass Wishes You a Merry Christmas

2008-12-02T13:06:00.010-05:00

Earnest T. Bass appears courtesy of Inbred Records, and is accompanied by Briscoe Darling, Jr. on piano and Mitch Darling on bass.

[I'm told this was accomplished in one take - can you imagine!?]

Merrily Yours,
B. Freret

Can a Competent Nonfictional Adult Really Be That Stupid?

2008-11-26T14:03:00.020-05:00

“A Vancouver woman said she discovered Tuesday that a man with a foot fetish had tricked her into posing as a foot model.” KPTV FOX 12, Portland, Oregon, November 26, 2008.

"I've Been Duped," Vancouver Woman Says*.

Assuming that Ms. Caicedo is being truthful (an assumption that requires an Abrahamian quantum of faith) this serves as yet another example of how watching lots of television can help you avoid awkward situations.

I am referring of course to Episode 83 of King of the Hill, in which Peggy Hill was likewise ‘duped’ into posing for a foot fetish web site under the pretense of providing assistance for an educational project.

You know I ordinarily refrain from passing judgment, but how is it possible that someone not associated with the Bush administration could be so stupid? (And what is funnier: that it happened at all, that she found out about the site, or that she gave an interview about it?)

She wants to warn other women.

Your Humble and Obedient Servant,
B. Freret

* More family friendly than, say, "I'm A Dumbass," Vancouver woman says.

UPDATE: Who knew that Fox ever ever edited anything? Perhaps just a glitch or once in a lifetime occurrence, but it seems the comments to the “news” article linked above have been deleted.

UPDATE TO THE UPDATE: Whew, Fox doesn't ever edit anything after all. That did seem too odd to believe. Seems it was just a glitch, the comments are live again. We'll see how long they last.

Lucas Held’s Google Ads Are Funnier Than His Latest Blog Entry

2008-11-25T13:38:00.018-05:00

P.R. forwarded me this via email:

***

Lucas Held is a gifted, brilliant, hilarious writer with more talent in his toenail clippings than I could ever hope to have (the talent, I mean – not so interested in the clippings).

Like anyone, he’s entitled to have an off day every once in a while.

He’s goofed on grandparents lately, so between that and his name here is what Google AdSense* thinks his readers will be interested in:

Hand Held Barcode Scanner

Wrinkle Cream

Grandmother Chat (!)

Cabo San Lucas Resort

Ouch! Nobody should have Google Ads that are funnier than their most recent post. Sorry, Mr. Held. (I love you anyway.)
P.R.

* “Google AdSense is a content-targeted advertising program. This means that you do not select keywords or categories for your ads. Instead, Google's servers determine what your posts are about and display the most relevant ads to your readers. So, if you blog about baseball, there might be ads for Major League Baseball memorabilia next to your post. If you blog about painting, there might be ads for art supplies.”

***

While I am glad to find that link to the Grandmother chat, I must admit that P.R. raises a valid point. Thank you, as always, for thinking of me!

Your Humble and Obedient Servant,
B. Freret

“How to Surf the Web on Your Mac Computer”

2008-11-24T10:05:00.006-05:00

Reader Elle emailed me concerning an instructional DVD that she reports has been tremendously beneficial in helping her overcome some cognitive shortcomings.

It is “How to Surf the Web on Your Mac Computer” and can be found in your parish or county public library or online at Amazon.

Apparently this DVD is Volume 6 in a series of instructional DVDs that include

Volume 1: “Mornings - What to Do When the Bright Light Shines Through Your Bedroom Window,”

Volume 2: “How to Make the Gnawing Feeling in Your Tummy Go Away Using Items from Your Pantry,”

Volume 3: “How to Move Your Bowels - A Comprehensive Study from Squat to Flush,”

Volume 4: “Telephones – Demystifying the Persistent Ringing Sound,”

and

Volume 5: “Introduction to Electrical Outlets - Bad for Kitty, Good for Items that have Cords with Pronged Plugs at One End.”

Thank you, Elle, for sharing this. I’m so proud of you for figuring out how to operate your television and DVD player so you could watch!

Respectfully, I remain
B. Freret

Marketing 2.0?

2008-11-20T22:11:00.033-05:00

I mistakenly received a sale circular intended for my neighbor in yesterday's mail, and couldn’t help but take a look before handing it over to him.

WARNING: The language depicted in this photograph may be considered offensive.

NOTE: Click on it and it will get bigger. (The photograph.)

I must confess to being perplexed by the marketing angle. Is this something particular to the music industry, or perhaps some entirely new approach to attracting customers? Is this “Marketing 2.0,” geared toward people with low self esteem?

I do not approve.

Your Humble and Obedient Servant,
B. Freret

What a Wonderful World This Could Be

2008-11-20T10:43:00.020-05:00

As we approach the holiday season, a message of nurturing love and delicate cooperation seems appropriate.

My wife and I were having drinks one evening with one of her coworkers and his single yet reasonably attractive 29 year old female cousin I’ll call Lingua*, when a homely fellow passed by our table. Lingua quipped, “with looks like that, he’d better be able to lick a mean p#ssy,” immediately dispelling any uncertainty surrounding her status as a single female.

I still tremble at the thought of what might constitute a “mean p#ssy.”**

I ask you, is there not enough conflict and strife in the world without our having to suffer angst-ridden vaginas? Are we not all God’s children, capable of living together in harmony?

I am reminded of something Mohandas Gandhi might have said, had he specifically addressed this issue:

When I despair,
I remember that all through history
the ways of truth and love have always won.
There have been tyrants, and murderers, and mean p#ssies,
and for a time they can seem invincible,
but in the end they always fall.

Think of it - always.

So in this time of hope and celebration, I implore not just Lingua but all the Linguas of the world to please please love your vaginas. Nurture them with tenderness and care, and allow us to do the same.

If we try to come together the world will be a better place. And have fewer mean vaginas.

Respectfully, I am
B. Freret

* Not her real name.

** She could have intended at least two different meanings, either “mean” as in vicious (i.e., acid spitting, teeth baring, etc.), or “mean” as in cruel (i.e., “is that all you’ve got?” or “nanny nanny boo boo”). Honestly, who would want to lick such a thing? Regardless, the stuff nightmares are made of.

"We Need a Creativity Cleanup in Isle 7..."

2008-11-20T09:55:00.007-05:00

See also, "Look, I almost stepped in this dog creativity!" and "When the creativity hits the fan."

Your Humble Servant,
B. Freret

Blog of the Day, November 16, 2008

2008-11-16T21:03:00.008-05:00

The Adventures of B. Freret has been awarded

I am humbled and honored. [And more than a little concerned about Mr. Austin’s lapse in judgment by selecting The Adventures. Yes, Bill Austin. That Bill Austin.]

I will endeavor to live up to this prestigious honor.

Your Humble and Obedient Servant,
B. Freret

"Republican Head"

2008-11-15T14:37:00.011-05:00

I just finished reviewing all my home phone Caller ID entries from the weeks leading up to the election: there are no fewer than two dozen missed calls that proclaim to be from "REPUBLICAN HEAD".

No comment* (is any necessary?), those are just two words I never thought I'd see together. I cannot say that I am sorry to have missed those calls.

The person(s) responsible for politicizing fellatio should be unceremoniously shot.

Respectfully,
B. Freret

* In the history of language, has a leading word ever been as effective at sucking (sorry) the fun out of the trailing word? "Taxable income," for example, doesn't even come close. "Prison sex" is worse, now that I think about it.

Sesame Street Gets an “F” in Teaching Logic

2008-11-12T12:45:00.003-05:00

Last night I took our youngest (he’s three) with me to pick up a Little Caesar’s Hot-N-Ready pizza (which, as it turned out, was neither). As we parked, he noticed a bald man getting out of the car next to ours.

“He must be Hilton!” referring to our bald family friend. (No relation to the comically infectious hotel heiress.)

“Why?” I asked.

“Because he has no hair.”

“Interesting hypothesis…” I mused, spotting the opportunity. “So, do you think he is bald because he is named Hilton, or named Hilton because he is bald?”

“I think… he is named Hilton because he is bald.”

“Well,” I said, “then don’t you think that every baby boy born bald would be named ‘Hilton’?”

No response.

Dumbass.

Respectfully I remain,
B. Freret

Beer & Stripper Markets Bullish

2008-11-11T11:10:00.044-05:00

American Funds took a break from spending my retirement account on the still-viable fermented beverage and exotic dance industries long enough to prepare and send me this:

I now feel comforted - soothed, even - knowing that the money I lost last year might be the result of guidance from experienced investors. I was uncomfortable after the 2007 annual report arrived, though the photograph of the tic-tac-toe playing rooster was crisp and colorful, and he seemed nice enough. (Or perhaps they mean that American Funds only recently brought in the experienced investors, to correct for last year's losses? Regardless, the point is that now experienced investors can guide me through a challenging market. And presumably those folks are somehow associated with American Funds.)

Before receiving the annual report with its thoughtful cover and witty tagline, I was under the impression that this is what was happening:

Note: Kayak Not to Scale

Whew!

Perhaps this year they will forego spending my retirement account on the fermented beverage and exotic dance industries and will instead invest it there?

Humbly, I am,
B. Freret

Partially Mummified Skeletal Remains

2008-11-10T12:47:00.000-05:00

An epiphany, from watching partially mummified skeletal remains drive a Porche Boxster (top down no less, in wanton disregard for the very real risk that a necrotic ear or finger might break off in the wind to be lost forever alongside the road) down Veterans Boulevard this morning:

If youth is wasted on the young, then wealth must be wasted on the undead.

Humbly I remain,
B. Freret

"Seven Hobbits" Desk Calendar

2008-11-09T12:43:00.005-05:00

I picked up a nice 2008 desk calendar this morning in the neighborhood office supply store (on clearance for $0.98!). I don't want to go into too many details, lest I run afoul of copyright laws, but the maxims contained therein merit sharing:

Seven Hobbits of Highly Effective People

1. Be Peregrin.
2. Baggins with the End in Mind.
3. Put Frodo Things Frodo.
4. Think Took/Took.
5. Seek First to Bilbo, Then to be Bilboed.
6. Sméagolgize.
7. Sharpen the Sam.

Respectfully, I am
B. Freret

Facebook Can be Magical!

2008-11-05T23:55:00.023-05:00

A recent reunion between John and Jen via Facebook, forwarded to me by another sentimental reader.

WARNING: It has been brought to my attention that the language depicted in this photograph may be considered offensive. I don't quite follow, but regardless, am passing along the warning.

I am always moved when old friends are able to reconnect. Magic!

Humbled, I am
B.Freret

Response to the Rude Reader Regarding RUSH LVR

2008-11-05T20:30:00.015-05:00

I don't ordinarily allow such things to upset me, but to the reader who sent the somewhat rude (if not outright hostile) email alleging that my prior posts on RUSH LVR were works of fiction, I provide the following evidence to the contrary:

I thank you in advance for taking your negativity elsewhere.

Humbly I remain,
B. Freret

Excerpts from the Diary of a Bitter Adult Film Actor

2008-11-05T09:34:00.011-05:00

At the request of my neighbor (who asked to remain anonymous) I will be reproducing from time to time portions of an original document loaned to him by a friend of a friend.

Monday, September 8, 8:32pm
Terrific, we lost power during the thunderstorm last night. I overslept and was late again. Murray was so mad that he didn’t even wait for the elastic waistband indentations from my boxers to fade, we just started filming as soon as I got on the set. (Who needs to take pride in their work, anyway?) And then, even after my rant last week, somebody stole my lunch out of the fridge. The last meatballs leftover from dinner at mom’s Friday. I hope the thief choked on them. This is going to be a hum dinger of a week.

Tuesday, September 9, 9:07pm
Was scheduled to work with Dee today, but guess who chose not to get tested on schedule? Meth head. I mean, great that she was off the set to get tested (late), but as a consequence of her irresponsibility, Murray subbed Karen in for her. I hate working with Karen. She should have quit years ago. I mean, seriously, “Oh baby. Oh baby.” What is this, 1972? Her namesake from Spongebob would be more convincing.

Wednesday, September 10, 6:45pm
Waxed today. Finally finished Greene’s Elegant Universe. Hack.

Thursday, September 11, 9:22pm
Well well, wouldn’t you know it. I give my best performance of the past six months (and probably one of the top three of my career), and find out after that Louie had trashed the audio. I don’t have any illusion that after they butcher it in post, my chances for AVN Best Actor just went out the window. He’s probably the jerk who ate my mom’s meatballs, too. I hate him.

Friday, September 12, 10:45pm
Murray wanted to scratch tomorrow’s shooting schedule, so Mr. Genius decided we’d double up for today. Nothing like pulling a double shift without overtime because he’s too lazy to come in on Saturday morning. Double shifts are, well, really hard on me. Maybe I’ll get a chance to work on those draft union docs this weekend. Netflix and the mailman managed to actually get Wall-E here today (third time is the charm, I guess), so I’m going to try and kick back and get work off my mind. I know I say this every weekend, but I honestly don’t care if I never see another vagina again.

Your humble and obedient servant,
B. Freret

Who Knew II?

2008-11-04T11:01:00.017-05:00

That survivalists observe the holidays? And exchange gifts?

Honestly, if you have that much foresight and lead time, is it really an “emergency”?

UPDATE: The best part has just been pointed out to me by an alert reader.

Down on the lower left of the page:

Gift cards!

Who Knew?

2008-11-04T10:02:00.012-05:00

That a presidential election would be considered "history making"?

After they told me the first time, I remained skeptical. But the second time? Must be true.

Whew!

UPDATE: I have it on good authority (an anonymous source in Atlanta) that the lead

“No matter how they vote, Americans will make history today. They may pick the first black U.S. president. Or the oldest first-term president and the first woman vice president.”

Narrowly beat out

“It was a dark and stormy night. The Earth continues to spin on its axis. Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead. The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog.”

For must useless drivel in a news article, ever.

To steal a line from Ed, “thou art a shitty writer.”

Weekend Review

2008-11-03T10:12:00.033-05:00

It was a fairly quiet weekend at Chateau Freret. We took advantage of the extra hour to laze around the house, tidy up loose ends, and prepare for the week ahead.

Our neighbors’ son Craig, all of twelve years old, stopped by Friday night in his Halloween costume. He wore a bathrobe and slippers and sported shoe polish whiskers on his face, as if he hadn’t shaved in days. Craig explained that he was “an unemployed welfare recipient” and walked about the neighborhood all night shouting “Vote for Joe Llama for president! I’m poor and he’ll give me more money!” (NOTE: the candidate’s real name has been changed herein, so as not to politicize The Adventures.) Kudos to his parents, minds are never too young to close.

Saturday, our oldest daughter won the Dish Sprint (you know, the race that commences immediately after the dishwasher stops running to see how fast the dishes can be removed, used however lightly [this step is optional], and placed into the sink to be washed again), and our youngest worked quietly on her science fair project.

You may recall her first Science Fair from year before last. She chose not to participate in the 2007 Fair for personal reasons, so I am happy to report that she is going to give it another go this year. I cannot wait to see what she does this time! I know that she originally had her heart set on doing something regarding the conversion of light energy into chemical energy by little people (Frodosnthesis) but apparently that has fallen though.

I followed my usual Sunday routine of carefully parsing the Monday through Saturday editions of the local paper, red pen in hand, preparing my thoughtful Monday morning correspondence to the editorial staff. No error is too trifling to escape my eye, and I know the editors always appreciate hearing from me. I was delighted to finally see my efforts acknowledged just last week (“Photo Caption on Page 7 should have read ‘Pimp My Ride’ and not ‘Pimp My Bride’. We regret the error.”) so I redoubled my efforts.

I was also finally able to finish the letters of apology to my son’s little league coach (and teammates, and the opposing team, and all the players’ families, as well as poor Professor Detweiler whose timing could not have been more unfortunate) for my regrettably inappropriate conduct at last Wednesday’s game. No more will be said on that.

Mrs. Freret read the Sunday sale papers, and noted with some curiosity the novel shapes and styles of Limited Edition DVD cases. You may have noticed these in recent years, the ‘collectors' cases’ that don’t fit anywhere or serve any purpose, and come in all manner of odd designs. Examples include the Get Smart shoe phone case (it is not a working telephone) and the Little House on the Prairie covered wagon case, neither of which serve any useful function. I overheard her wondering aloud whether the Hogan’s Heroes Collectors Edition DVDs would come in a phallic shaped case, apparently a nod to Mr. Crane's life off the show. Her excitement was not lost on me, so I jotted that down as a Christmas gift idea for her, even though I have to remember to look up what “phallic” means. She must think such a case could serve some purpose, and that is good enough for me.

Finally, I received an interesting piece of junk mail on Saturday that I want to share with you. This came from a local concern, Hughes Discount Funeral Home:

When making your own funeral/burial arrangements, consider this: for 140 years, the mummified remains of Pharaoh Ramses I sat on a dusty shelf in a North American oddities museum between a mummified two headed calf and a chimp torso grafted to a fish tail. For 140 years, thousands of tourists un-awed by Niagara Falls sought out real excitement by filing through the museum, gawking and pointing at the god-king’s remains. Hardly the afterlife envisioned some 3,000 years prior, when thousands of his countrymen toiled and died in preparation for his journey.

So go right ahead and make your fancy funeral arrangements if that makes you feel better, but please understand that just because you do, does not mean that your wishes will be carried out. And if they are, there is no guarantee that in a thousand years some schmuck won't build a condo on your grave. You'll be dead anyway, and we've met you (once, at a Chamber function, you probably don't remember) and you're no god-king, if you catch our drift, so who are you to be all hoity-toity? We're a lot less expensive than those other places who claim to actually use caskets and shit. And do you really want to spend all that money on your funeral? Think about all the things your wife and kids could do with that money, if you don't blow it on yourself.

Don't Be A Selfish Bastard: Use Hughes Discount Funeral Home.

I wish you could see the brochure, very slick.

Your humble and obedient servant,
B. Freret

Clinical Internet Porn Site Review

2008-10-30T13:09:00.015-04:00

I recently lost my side job, which is unfortunate not only because I need the income, but I really enjoyed the work. I wrote copy for an outfit based in Bedminster that reviews adult entertainment web sites.

Apparently, they aren’t even going to post anything I’ve submitted, which is very upsetting because I was hoping to use this publication on my resume. Thankfully, I have been paid, and look forward to walking down to Starbucks after lunch and spending that.

Oh well.

I just completed a review that I’m particularly pleased with, and since it seems a shame to let it go to waste, I am posting it here for free:

Today we look at http://www.pushrods.com/sample. This is a free trial page featuring four video clips in Windows Media format and no still images. The clips are short-ish, varying in duration from 32 seconds to 48 seconds per clip. The download speeds are unremarkable but adequate, and we did not experience any lag or stuttering. All four clips, though not sequential, appear to be from the same session, feature one man and one woman (likely to the delight of conservative viewers), and the full film ostensibly is available for purchase.

The set is thoughtfully appointed with tasteful if not slightly Ikea-esque furnishings. The lighting is consistent throughout, regardless of shot distance, and while certain criticisms of the cinematography are noted below, the camera remained reasonably steady throughout. (These clips should not upset your stomach if you became nauseated while pleasuring yourself to, say, Blair Witch, Cloverfield, or season one of Boston Legal.)

The thespians appear to be fastidiously concerned with personal hygiene. (Let’s just say that if these two were apes dependant upon grooming one another for sustenance, they would require nutritional supplements to avoid starvation. We’ll leave it at that.) Both are attractive and reasonably healthy looking, with clear skin, below normal body fat, and no conspicuous scarring. They appear to be in their mid-twenties. The female has one tattoo, inside her left ankle, but it is difficult to determine the subject matter of same. (Something small and dark. Like a black or navy squirrel. A ferret, perhaps.) The male is likely unable to sunbathe in public wearing short shorts (depending, of course, on applicable state and local laws concerning exposure, as well as his own modesty), and the female nigh approaches Plato’s Form for bosoms.

The male’s potentially promising future as a hand model is evident in Clip #1 (as is his unusually extendable tongue) and Clip #2 showcases the female’s prodigiously bendy physiology (Cirque du Soleil scouts, take note). Clip #3 is discussed below, and Clip #4, well, depicts the culmination of the male’s efforts.

Overall, these video clips are well made, the subjects attractive and in apparent good health, and the overall experience positive. That is not to say, however, that this footage is without fault.

For example, Clip #3 utilizes a camera angle for the female that is particularly unflattering, and this is exacerbated by the fact that it depicts a decidedly unladylike activity.

More egregious, and one of our oft-stated pet peeves, is that the original audio in all four clips has been replaced with less than convincing studio dubs. This merits repeating: poor voice acting diminishes the viewing experience and is a disservice to the hard work of the crew and on-screen actors. While one understandable explanation could be that the post production audio engineer was unable to sufficiently isolate and remove the squeaky balloon noises, there is simply no excuse for amateurish voice acting. Especially not when the film otherwise has reasonably high production values.

SITE: http://www.pushrods.com/sample

COST: Free

BEDMINSTER SCORE: Five Nipples (Out of eight)

First Name Verbs

2008-10-28T15:51:00.002-04:00

As-spelled:

Bill
Bob
Brad
Don
Lance
Nick
Rob
Skip
Sue
Will

Phonetic:

Doug
Mary
Phil
Phuck

A Shameless Plea for Help

2008-10-28T13:40:00.005-04:00

And no, I am not referring to this site in toto.

But if enough people click on this link Jennifer Dziura’s* page (who is not only an actual person, but a hat trick extraordinaire: brilliant, hilarious, and hot) then perhaps she would honor The Adventures with a link from (one of) her site(s)? Maybe not the sex toy one. But really, who am I to be picky.

Appreciatively yours,

B. Freret

* Pronounced just like the 19th century ailment, as is my own surname.

Misdelivered Missive

2008-10-27T10:38:00.003-04:00

Found this handwritten note stuck in my front door this morning:

***

An honest admission to Mr. Nutsack, after arriving home to discover that you’d absconded with what you considered to be the items of value we accrued during our seventeen years together, while leaving behind certain intangibles like trust, fidelity, integrity, honor, love, and friendship:

You were not, as I had previously indicated, “the best lover I have ever had”. Nor were you, in the interest of candor and full disclosure, in the top three.

I do, however, genuinely hope that you enjoy the stereo.

***

The author must have erred in delivery, because I have not (yet) been in a seventeen year relationship, and have never gone by the name "Nutsack".

Regardless, I have reproduced the note here for your consideration.

Your humble and obedient servant,
B. Freret

A Response to Readers Concerned with RUSH LVR

2008-10-25T23:37:00.007-04:00

I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to send concerned messages regarding my recent article about a state license plate. Several of you have expressed sentiment similar to this example, selected at random from the lot:

"Your a moron. That license plate meant Rush Limbaugh. This sight isn’t funny at all."

I want to respond to each of you personally by again thanking you for your patronage and concern, and by pointing out that I did already say that I believed the license plate was referring to illegal drug use. If the vehicle owner was, as you suggest, actually referring to Mr. Limbaugh, what could I have said any differently?

Respectfully I remain,
B. Freret

Foods I Regret Trying to Eat While Driving

2008-10-24T12:29:00.005-04:00

Pancakes

Egg Drop Soup

Sushi

Crawfish

Fondue

An Open Letter to Maggie, My Second Reader

2008-10-23T19:42:00.005-04:00

Dearest Maggie,

Please revisit this site, Mags! (May I refer to you by your familiar?)

When your blog disappeared and you stopped visiting these pages, you singlehandedly removed one half of my readership. I’m left with only Boski, whom I deeply admire and (heterosexually) adore, but I pine for the days when the both of you came calling.

It doesn’t matter to me that the only reason you found this nonsense was because you were Googling “Freret” and thought we might be related. We got past that, didn’t we? And, having stumbled this way, you stuck around and had a few laughs, didn’t you?

I know that you live your convictions well, and as a mature person of good moral character, there is little here to interest you. But where is the harm in occasionally checking in, on the off chance of having a guilty giggle?

Indulge yourself, please. Come back.

Humbly, I am,
B. Freret

RUSH LVR

2008-10-21T20:20:00.010-04:00

I was taken aback this afternoon when I noticed a license plate emblazoned “RUSH LVR”.

I would not have thought the state would approve such a plate. Regardless of one’s affinity for alkyl nitrates, does it not seem extremely unlikely that the state would approve, for example, WEED LVR, COKE LVR, METH LVR, or CRAK LVR? So why the exception for poppers?

Oh, wait. How embarrassing. Perhaps the plate refers instead to that Canadian band with the fellow who sings through his nose, causing a delightful and unique tone that you don’t really hear so much as feel betwixt the ears. The three member group with the forty five minute songs – each utilizing random and inconsistent time signatures that change every few measures, like 232/15, then 12/82, then 3/70, followed by 666/3 – great foot-tapping fun, those!

No, I apologize, that is ridiculous, isn’t it? No one would put THAT Rush on a license plate, and if they did, could not in good conscience proclaim themselves to be a LVR of those guys.

No, one is not a LVR of petrified Canadians. It seems more natural to be a LVR of, say, a SK8R BOI, or someone with L337 SK1LZ.

Must just be a drug reference, then. This one must have slipped past the folks whose job it is to maintain and meticulously cross reference the master list of prohibited license plates.

Shame on you, state employee(s)!

Your obedient servant,

B. Freret

Thank you, Hummer Owner!

2008-10-19T19:16:00.013-04:00

Dear Owner of the Black H3 Parked Outside of OfficeMax This Afternoon,

Thank you so much for the unexpected opportunity to explain to my six year old son the “WORLD’S GREATEST FUCK” bumper sticker affixed to the rear of your vehicle!

Once I’d finished my explanation, he seemed to feel genuine compassion for the freakishly grotesque inadequacies you so desperately want to ignore. Honestly, world’s greatest fuck? On a Hummer? Tears welled up in his eyes as he struggled to comprehend how horrible it must be to walk in your shoes. (And I almost wept for the lover you are unable to satisfy. Until I realized that she is likely having her needs met elsewhere.)

We are so sorry for you, and I thank you for unwittingly helping me teach my son that we are all God’s blessed creatures. Even neurotic assholes such as yourself.

Regards,
B. Freret

Lionel Richie and "Truly"

2008-10-17T16:54:00.020-04:00

While most everyone over the age of thirty knows of Lionel Richie and at least one of the songs from his Grammy award winning body of work, few people realize just how progressive and forward thinking Richie was in the early 1980s. Richie experimented with releasing regionally localized versions of a number of his songs years before anyone else was doing so, forging new paths for later artists to follow. This pioneering work in customizing music to multiple markets would not be commercially successful until 1989 and 1990, when two different versions of the Tyson-Ward song Black Velvet enjoyed success on both pop and country charts.

Case in point: Richie’s 1982 hit Truly spent two weeks at number one on the Billboard Hot 100 and four weeks at number one on the adult contemporary chart. However, almost no one realizes that Richie’s production company recorded a second, entirely different, version of Truly that same year.

In an effort to penetrate the lucrative country and western market with what Richie already knew would be a hit in his familiar adult contemporary niche, his production company actually cut and released a country version of Truly, sung by an unknown Arkansas resident named Karl Childers, who was at the time (get ready for this) a patient in a ‘nervous home.’

Childers’ Truly received little airplay and would have been lost to history but for the love of a handful of fans who have kept the song alive in their hearts, if not the airwaves.

Enjoy!

Remeber to Cemmemorate 9/11

2008-09-11T20:29:00.001-04:00

An Open Letter to the Guy in the Black Volvo from My Kid's School

2008-01-29T08:50:00.003-05:00

Dear Driver of the Black Volvo Who Drops His Kid off at School the Same Time I Drop off Mine,

When you cut in front of me at School drop-off last week, I did not jump to conclusions.

I did not automatically assume that you were either intentionally discourteous or that you failed to appreciate how lines work or how to take your turn. Though dangerous (darting in front of me like you did after I'd already begun to turn into the drive) I simply assumed that you were too focused to notice that there were other cars ahead of you. These things happen.

But you did it again this morning, exactly as before, when I was (again) already turning into the drive. Were it not for my anti-lock brakes, you would have noticed the staccato screech of my tires - a sure sign of an involuntary yield. I now realize that one of two alternatives are likely true: a) you don't know how lines work, that is, how to take your turn, or b) you know and simply don't care. If you've managed to cut me off out of turn twice in the last seven days, it is safe to assume that you do it frequently, perhaps even daily.

Regardless of the cause or frequency, stop it. No doubt there are areas in life where you are permitted to be self absorbed to your heart's content - where doing so is encouraged if not rewarded - but the drop off line at School is not one of them.

So knock it off. Don't cut in front of car(s) ahead of you. Take your turn.

I am, Your Humble Servant,
B. Freret

"I was a happy sponge"

2007-11-26T23:35:00.000-05:00

"I was a happy sponge, content to behave in the sea. Then a diver ripped me from my bliss. I was impaled on the end of a stick and for six horrid months a Roman solder named Tarasicodissa used me to clean his ass. Years after my escape I continued to wake up to my own screams. Until I returned to land just long enough to kill him.

What a glorious April that was!"

***

I don't know what to make of this, so I'm posting it here for your consideration. I keep probing for the hidden profound meaning of this parable, but so far the moral has managed to elude me.

Beautiful work, regardless, simply beautiful. Thank you for forwarding it to me!

I remain your humble servant,
B. Freret

Recently Rejected Patriotic-Themed T-Shirt Slogans

2007-11-26T23:02:00.002-05:00

This was passed to me recently by a nice enough fellow. I hated to hear that his hard work had not panned out for him (obviously much time and effort went into these), and I don't see why at least some of these designs were not considered for purchase.

***

Patriotic T-Shirt Slogans Recently Rejected for Submission to a Major Discount Retailer as Being “Inappropriate” for the Intended Audience of Lower to Middle Class 35 to 50 Year Old Women

All-American MILF

True Patriot: I Blew Our Founding Fathers

Proud to Service Our Men In the Service

100% American (by which I mean a mix of multiple European ancestors, with some African and Asian thrown in here and there - not native American. If I'd meant "native American" I'd have said "100% Indian," because that is what we call them, even though they aren't from India.)

Franklin Was Right: Older Chicks Make Better Lovers

Do you see fireworks too, or am I just having hot flashes?

Contents of This Shirt Made and Assembled in USA

Contents of This Shirt Assembled in USA from Foreign Parts

Just Because I Brazilian Wax Doesn't Make Me Any Less (North) American

Sure, the implants were made in China, but by-god the OUTSIDE of this rack was made in the U.S. of A.!!!

Proud of My Genetically Homogeneous Heritage

Just Another All American Girl Next Door Who F***s Like a Porn Star

***

Respectfully Submitted,
B. Freret

Average Joe: Not Ratchet, but Kickin' Nonetheless

2007-11-21T10:54:00.000-05:00

Average Joe's first CD, some thirty years or so in the making, is finally available at CDBaby. Like the title says, it isn't ratchet, but it is kickin'. Buy one for yourself, and several more to give as holiday presents.

Avoid the Holiday Suck: spin this and Crankdaddy's Athems and you'll be just fine.

Your obedient servant,
B. Freret

I don't hate Microsoft. But...

2007-10-18T12:51:00.001-04:00

... I appreciate why some people do.

If you own an Xbox 360, try this at home:

1. Sign into your Windows Live! Account.

2. Go to service.xbox.com. You should see something like this:

3. Click “Register a New Device” and enter your serial number. If you’re me, you’ll see something like this:

4. Repeat step #3 four or five thousand times, confirming each time that yes, you correctly entered the serial number every time.

5. Call 1-800-4MY-XBOX. Five times. Have the same conversation with five different people.

CUSTOMER: “I can’t add my device to my registered devices at service.xbox.com.”
1-800-4MY-XBOX: “What is the serial number of the device?”
CUSTOMER: “############.”
1-800-4MY-XBOX: “That device is already registered to you.”
CUSTOMER: “Not at service.xbox.com it isn’t.”
1-800-4MY-XBOX: “Well, what is it that you wanted to know about the device?”
CUSTOMER: “Why I can’t register it at service.xbox.com.”
1-800-4MY-XBOX: “I can’t help you with that.”
CUSTOMER: “Sort of twisted that the error page tells me to call you, don't you think?”

6. Find KB article 931129, which appears to address the issue and advises the customer to “Click Associate a device you registered on the phone with your Windows Live ID.”

7. Look at the photos in steps 2 and 3 above. Locate the “Associate a device you registered on the phone with your Windows Live ID” option. [SPOILER ALERT! It does not exist. There is no "Associate a device you registered on the phone with your Windows Live ID" option.]

Your obedient servant,
B. Freret

Talking With Xbox Customer Service

2007-10-10T00:47:00.000-04:00

[About ten minutes into the call.]

***

1-800-4MY-XBOX: “Are you using any fans?”

CUSTOMER: “Yes.”

1-800-4MY-XBOX: “You are?”

CUSTOMER: “Yes.”

1-800-4MY-XBOX: “There aren’t any Microsoft® approved Xbox 360 cooling…”

CUSTOMER: “Really?”

1-800-4MY-XBOX: “… devices, so using one…”

CUSTOMER: “Because that’s kind of funny…”

1-800-4MY-XBOX: “… would void your warranty.”

CUSTOMER: “… considering that the only reason that I called you is because the design defect that results in component(s) overheating and failing – you know that one? – has caused my Xbox 360 to stop working.”

1-800-4MY-XBOX: “I’m just letting you know for future reference that using non-Microsoft® approved accessories can void your warranty, that’s all. I’m still sending you the service box…”

CUSTOMER: “That’s a USB port on the back of my ‘360, isn’t it?”

1-800-4MY-XBOX: “Well, yes...”

CUSTOMER: “Does it comply with the USB spec?”

1-800-4MY-XBOX: “… I don’t…”

CUSTOMER: “Let’s assume that it does. So since my fan stand relied only on the ‘360’s USB port for power, presumably to spec, then it wouldn’t make any sense to suggest that using a USB device with a USB port could or would void the warranty, I mean, we’re talking about using things for their intended purposes.”

1-800-4MY-XBOX: “But…”

CUSTOMER: “So other than drawing USB-spec power from a USB-spec port, the only thing my fan stand did was to act as a plastic base for the ‘360 while blowing air at it. Can you tell me if some types of plastic are Microsoft® approved?”

1-800-4MY-XBOX: “Uh…”

CUSTOMER: “How about air, any Microsoft® approved air?”

1-800-4MY-XBOX: “Of course not…”

CUSTOMER: “Gravity?”

1-800-4MY-XBOX: “Excuse me?”

CUSTOMER: “Are some types of gravity more Microsoft® approved than others? My Xbox 360 just sits on top of this non-Microsoft® approved device. At sea level. Just one ‘G,’ so far as I know. I mean, I don’t suspect any fluctuations in gravity in or around my home. Well, not other than the usual quantum stuff, but that is to be expected regardless of whether I use the fan stand or not, so THAT couldn’t really void my warranty. And nothing sits on top of my Xbox 360, so no downward pressure…”

1-800-4MY-XBOX: “Sir, I just have to ask certain questions, and if the answer includes that you’re using an external fan, I have to tell you that doing so can void your warranty. That’s all. We’re still going to repair your Xbox.”

CUSTOMER: “I’m sorry, guy. I know you’re just doing your job. I've worked for dumbasses who wanted me to say stupid things, too. So I know what that is like.”

1-800-4MY-XBOX: “Well, I never said…”

CUSTOMER: “You do know it is a stupid thing to tell people, don’t you?”

1-800-4MY-XBOX: “No, I just…”

CUSTOMER: “It’s okay, you can say it out loud. I won’t tell. You can say that ‘warning people that using a USB powered fan to try and delay the inevitable failure of their defective Xbox 360s could void their warranty' is just plain stupid. Come on, you can do it. Say it. Say it!”

1-800-4MY-XBOX: “I can’t do that, sir.”

CUSTOMER: “They’re listening aren’t they?”

1-800-4MY-XBOX: [SILENCE.]

CUSTOMER: “You still there?”

***

Your obedient servant,
B. Freret

Pooping in Public

2007-08-30T09:59:00.000-04:00

Trying to defecate in a public restroom has always been stressful.

There are few things a man will do in his lifetime that place him in as vulnerable a position in public: seated, pants down, mere feet away from total strangers, knowing that he really needs to go and hoping that his sphincter will relax just long enough to accomplish the mission.

Is the seat clean? Am I going to, however innocently, splash my pants and have to rejoin the non-bathroom-using public looking like I’ve just wet myself? Is there enough paper? Is the paper 600 grit or 60? Will some knuckle dragger mistake the closed and locked stall as being vacant, and begin violently pulling on the door to gain access? Clang! Clang! Clang! CLANG! Clanging away until enough current trickles across the right synapse to signal that the reason it won’t open is because the stall is occupied?

This wasn’t stressful enough? Now you’re telling me that on top of all this I HAVE TO MAKE GODDAMN CERTAIN THAT MY FEET REMAIN ABSOLUTELY MOTIONLESS, SO NOBODY MISTAKENLY THINKS I’M SOLICITING SEXUAL ACTIVITY?

Seriously? I can’t shit without making sure I sit there like a statue?

JUST WHO THE HELL THOUGHT OF THIS FORM OF COMMUNICATION, ANYWAY? (You would think that the proliferation of iPods among the pooping-in-public-but-not-gay-sex-seeking male population would have rendered this signaling system difficult, if not impossible, to continue to use reliably.)

Regardless, what’s next? I can’t sneeze in public, without learning that I’ve just signaled my willingness to midget wrestle? Can’t tug my ear without getting slapped with a copyright infringement suit in federal court? Can’t… well, you get the idea.

This is great. Just terrific. I guess from now on I’ll have to sneak into the ladies’ room to poop.

Your obedient servant,
B. Freret

Another Rearview Mirror Dreamcatcher

2007-08-20T15:25:00.000-04:00

Saw another dreamcatcher hanging from a passenger car rearview mirror today. That makes the sixth one the past 45 days or so.

Makes me wonder how much r.e.m. sleep these people are getting at the wheel. Do they keep dreamcatchers in their cubicles at work, too? Beside their toilets at home, just in case they suddenly fall into a deep sleep whilst moving their bowels?

And setting aside the narcoleptic inference(s) for a moment, just what exactly are these people dreaming that requires such vigilant filtration, anyway? Even the kids in the Nightmare on Elm Street films never took such drastic precautions, and I think we can all pretty much agree that those were REALLY BAD dreams that needed to be trapped and filtered out.

Of course, maybe with dreamcatchers hanging from every rearview mirror, there never would have been a Nightmare franchise…

Your obedient servant,
B. Freret

Anthems of the Middle Aged

2007-06-25T16:54:00.000-04:00

Crankdaddy's new EP Anthems of the Middle Aged dropped today.

If you don't agree that it kicks ass, it's probably just because you suck.

Ways in Which Mr. Harrison Might Have Tried to Console His Guitar

2007-04-14T11:52:00.000-04:00

"There there, don’t be sad! It will all be okay!"

"How about a hug?"

"I didn’t know: I thought you wanted to be picked on. I’ll never do that again."

"Anybody around here up for a shiny new set of strings?"

"I’m sorry that happened to you."

"Do you think you could eat some of this nice casserole? You’d probably feel better if you ate something."

"Are you sure you remembered to take your meds this morning?"

Your obedient servant,
B. Freret

Old Mr. Detweiler’s Unfortunate Draw at the Coffee Shop’s Random Interpretive Reading Night: Pop Culture

2007-03-19T13:42:00.001-04:00

Mr. Detweiler took his place at the podium, cleared his throat, pulled a paper from the hat, unfolded it and began to read:

“What you gon' do with all that junk?
All that junk inside your trunk?
I'ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely little lumps (Check it out).”

I had great difficulty paying attention to his lectures the remainder of that semester.

Your obedient servant,
B. Freret

Thank you: I'm Back

2007-03-14T21:29:00.000-04:00

I want to thank all of you who sent well-wishes during my long slow recovery. For those of you who don’t know, suffice it to say that I was injured in an unlikely (yet no less tragic) accident involving a rice harvesting combine while chaperoning a field trip.

I am happy to report that I’m getting around much better, and have recovered almost the full use of my tongue.

During my convalescence, my cousin the gifted illustrator and humorist sent me a number of his latest cartoons. I have neither a scanner nor digital camera, but I thought some were too good to pass up sharing with you: I wish you could see them!

Here are the captions from my favorites:

“Forgetting that her children were sitting right next to her, Jen began flashing her breasts to Greg at Wiggles Live.”

“Dude, they’re goldfish, not horses. Like, the chances of you breaking a leg or something is pretty much zero.”

and

“Rectum? It damn near killed him.”

I remain your humble and obedient servant,
B. Freret